Still Alive!

Yes, I still exist!

We're still adjusting to having two spawnlings around here, although Maeve is a delightfully mellow baby. I just haven't had much to write about beyond spawnlings, and although motherhood has been a big part of this blog I don't want it to be the only part. Other people have done it, and probably better than I.

I've been writing HP fanfiction as well, and getting up the gumption to redo the outline on the YA Sci-Fi novel I've had kicking around in my head.

If anybody's interested in reading the HP fanfiction I've written, I'm archived a couple of places:


http://community.livejournal.com/grangersnape100/tag/voxangelus

http://www.thepetulantpoetess.com/viewuser.php?uid=10622

Some of it is smut, if that tickles your fancy.

I hope to be back soon, with more interesting content!

Weight loss thoughts

Just to reassure folks, I'm not trying to lose weight right now. I lost 30 pounds over the summer and then I got pregnant. I've lost 13 more pounds since, probably because I am eating small meals and snacks every 1.5-2 hours while I'm awake to stave off nausea.

I used Weight Watchers over the summer and I plan to go back to that once the baby is born, since I find it easy and low-stress.

They're starting a "Biggest Loser" challenge over on my BabyCenter birth board, and they're going to use percentages, apparently that is how they do it on the NBC show. I don't watch "The Biggest Loser" although I do like "Celebrity Fit Club" (celebrity fit club is funnier, frankly). This means that if they do another challenge after I have this baby, there is no fair competition for me, personally. I think most of them looking to lose weigh under 200 pounds.

For me to lose 10% of my body weight right now, I would have to lose 37 pounds. Yes, you read that correctly. I am very heavy and it's very unhealthy. Someone who weighs 160 would only need to lose 16 to hit a 10% goal. I could whine about it over there, but what else is a blog for, right? I adore those ladies. I get that they feel unhealthy and unfit in their bodies currently. But I would be delighted to weigh 180. At this point, I'd be delighted to weigh under 300. I don't blame anyone else for my weight issue - I know it's my fault and my problem. That's why I was working on it! I sit on my butt too much and while we eat pretty healthily the majority of the time, we also hit the drive thru. I know it didn't go on overnight and I don't expect to take it off that quickly. Going by that it's safe to lose 1% of body weight in a week, it would take me about 12 weeks, or 3 mo, to lose 10%. It might be the same for someone else smaller, but no gaurantees. I don't think it's easier for overly large people to lose weight - it just looks that way b/c of excess water weight.

I just bristle that I can't have "fair" competition with my friends on that board, if they stick with the same style of challenge after I've had the baby. I like friendly competition of this sort, and I think it's fun and valuable, but there's no point in participating in the specific challenge b/c there is no way I can come even close to "winning" using a percentage system. I'll still do Weight Watchers and lose the weight - nothing is going to stop me there - but I suppose I'll have to stick with SparkPeople's boards for the support/competition. The women who need to lose 15-20 pounds probably don't understand what it's like for me, who needs to lose 150-200 pounds.

Or maybe they do, and I'm not giving them a chance.

The Stars Don't Lie?

I am a great kisser, thank you very much.

Blog Day for the Mothers' Act

http://www.postpartum.net/take-action.html

800,000 women in the United States will develop a diagnosable perinatal mood disorder this year. Only 15% of them will get any kind of treatment.

If you consider a population of 300 million, that's too many. As a nation, we treat our mothers appallingly. After all, a healthy baby is all that counts, right? It doesn't matter that a mother's body and rights were trampled on to get that healthy baby, does it? Even other mothers turn on each other over how we birth, feed, and care for our babies.

The Mothers' Act is a good start. It provides grants for education about postpartum depression. However, nothing will change until the social stigma of being affected by depression is eradicated.

The stories and voices of perinatal mood disorders are varied. They extend across social, economic, and racial boundaries. It's not just poor women, or white women, or rich women, or black women, or Hispanic women or middle-class women. It's all women.

In a nation that has the most advanced medical technology and the best doctors on the planet, we shame women who need help. "Cheer up!" "Buck up!" "You have a healthy baby, that's all that matters!"

We should be ashamed of ourselves. It's not all that matters.

Can I get a VBAC?

Who knows? There are at least 30 obstetrics practices in the area where we live. I am going to start calling them in a few minutes.

Let's hope I find someone with a good attitude, because I'm not going to listen to some jackass OB who thinks he's God's Gift to medicine tell me I'm too fat to have a vaginal delivery. But, if that's going to be the case, I'd like to find out now so I can just stick with my midwives that I see for well-woman care, and have their overseeing OB do a repeat c-section (he did Freyja's, which was the only thing well-done about her fiasco of a birth).

We've been tossing around the idea of a home birth, but there is just no way we'd be able to afford the midwife's fees, and as much as I know I might like a home birth, the idea of uterine rupture at home where I'm 20 minutes from a hospital and general anesthesia scares the shit out of me. After seeing uterine rupture AT a hospital, I'm not quite sure I can cope with that happening at home. VBAC'ing in the hospital I can handle, even though I know it will most likely be sterile, I'll be on my back, everything draped, bright lights and cold in an OR "just in case".

The statistics are on my side, it's just finding a provider that will "allow" me to "attempt a trial of labor". As soon as the phone finishes charging, I'll start calling and finding out.

Um, Surprise!

I know I haven't posted much in the past few weeks. I've been busy, looking for a new job and finishing up the loose ends at my current one.

I've been feeling "off" the past few weeks, too. Then I noticed that I haven't had Aunt Flo for a visit in a while. This is nothing new, as my cycles are wonky.

Well, apparently losing that 30 pounds with Weight Watchers made me ovulate properly, because this is what I got staring at me Wednesday afternoon:




Yeah. The timing is horrible, I have no idea how we're going to afford this. I want to be excited and happy, but I'm really worried about finances. K just seems to think that everything will work out, but I just can't go flying on a wing and a prayer. Hopefully I find a job soon, but this is going to make it even harder.

Five Questions

1. I need to know-I LOVE the name Freyja-why did you pick it?

Freyja's name was proposed by my husband - he's a Norse Trad pagan. Freyja is the Norse goddess of love, lust, and war (I found a t-shirt somewhere on the web recently that had a picture of Freyja with the slogan "Freyja - if you can't lay it, slay it"). We wanted a name that was strong, meaningful, and unusual, without being too weird - we both have healthy amounts of Germanic and Scandi heritage, so the family thought it was a great name, if slightly odd. Other names we tossed around for her were Maureen and Ysabel, but when I found my due date was going to be on a Friday, which is Freyja's/Frigga's day, I knew we'd found the right name. Looking back, I don't see how we could have named her anything else. Her middle name is Louise, which means "warrior".

2. If you could be doing anything, ANYTHING in the world, what would you do?

Anything? I could toe the party line and say I'd be doula-ing for a living, but that wouldn't be true. I love doula-ing, but I love acting more. I'd be on Broadway, doing plays and musicals. There's a whole list of roles I want to get through, Elphaba in "Wicked", Kate Monster in "Avenue Q", Carlotta in "Phantom of the Opera"...I could go on. I love to sing and most of the CDs in my car are musical soundtracks.

3. If your man sends you flowers, what ones must they be? Why?

My man never sends me flowers - I'm more likely to send HIM flowers. I love daisies and carnations. Either of those is a good bet. I like purple daisies the best, or big huge bright orange gerbera daisies. Roses are nice, but IMO die too quickly once cut. Daises and carns can last a month if you care for them properly.

4. What kind of an animal is Gonzo anyway?

Gosh, I don't know. I don't think he's an animal at all, but some kind of alien - didn't they confirm that with "Muppets in Space"? I'd say he's a cross between an anteater and a baby elephant.

5. Are you assertive and almost rude with mean/jerky people, or do you seethe quietly?

It depends on the situation. I don't like mean/jerky people. If it's family, I seethe and plot revenge (and usually get it). If it's at work, I try my best to be assertive and use big words the mean/jerky person will not understand. If it's some asshat in a store I'll never see again, I am assertive and probably very rude, but IMO they have it coming.

Interview rules:
1. Leave me a comment saying "Interview Me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with a post containing your the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Officially Crazy

According to the test I took; and upon confirmation that yes, it was pretty damn accurate, I now have two new diagnoses.

Axis I: Bipolar Disorder
Axis II: Avoidant Personality Disorder

Neither are really any surprise. The Bipolar, my therapist said, is "mild" but "not mild enough" to be cyclothymia.

I'm trying to cope. It's nice to know that I don't have to feel the way I've felt all my life, that there is something at least a little wrong, and with medication and therapy I have a good chance of fixing it. It also explains a lot about how I feel day-to-day.

On the other hand, I am now officially crazy. I have an appointment with my primary care doc to go over mood stabilizing medication options.

This is hard. I've spent the last ten or twelve years pretending there's absolutely nothing wrong with me. Now I have to learn to cope (better than I have been), but I'd rather just crawl into a hole and shut the world out for a while. This, unfortunately, is not possible.

I don't want to be a grown-up today.

My True Nature, Let Me Show it to You.

From Eden via OK CUPID. Really, is anyone all that surprised? Now, does anybody knit or crochet? I need me a scarf. A wool or cotton one, not that nasty acrylic stuff. I'll pay!

Your Score: SLYTHERIN!

You scored 80% Slytherin, 12% Ravenclaw, 20% Gryffindor, and 20% Hufflepuff!

Or perhaps in Slytherin

You'll make your real friends,

These cunning folk use any means

To achieve their ends.



Slytherins are known for their ambition, guile, and Machiavellian sensibilities.

Link: The Sorting Hat Test written by leeannslytherin on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Profiling

Before I get too far into the sertraline experience, I thought I should call my therapist and make an appointment. She wanted me to complete the Millon-III assessment back in February (my bad) and I never came in to do it. I actually picked up with phone without a huge amount of anxiety and made the call. This tells me the sertraline is starting to properly kick in (for those who have been following, my superpower is also back).

While I was poking around the internet looking for CPT codes for the assessment (so I could badger my insurance co. and see if it was covered), I came across the Myers-Briggs personality profile test again. I took it for the first time about eight years ago and scored very strongly as an iNFp. I took it again today, just for kicks. I've changed personality types, but not by much. I'm now an iNTp. The "T" (thinking rather than feeling) was only a margin of 1%, so I don't know how accurate that is. Apparently I should pursue a career in the natural sciences - and since I'm a geography major (this is my fifth, yes FIFTH major and the only one I've been completely happy with) that works out well. I don't put a huge amount of stock in an internet test anyway, but it's still a nice place to start.

The Zoloft, er, Sertraline Update

*cue nightly-news music*

"Coming to you live from her desk, here's Heather with the Sertraline Update. Heather?"

It's a week and a half into this crazy SSRI experience, and my moods are already more even. I'm less anxious, less worried about little things. I actually feel like getting up in the morning, even if I haven't slept a wink. Oh yeah. That sleeping thing? I went from sleeping 10+ hours a night to lying in bed tossing and turning. I think I've had approximately 10 hours of sleep in the past week. I hope it will even out soon, all the Experts say three weeks is the time when you see the "big changes".

I've also lost my superpower. I can still function as a "normal" person would on that front, but not like usual! Some people have been telling me that losing my superpower isn't worth not being depressed, but I beg to differ. I'd much rather be "normal" on all fronts.

So, other than needing a nap and wishing I still had my superpower, it's going well. I see my primary care doctor on Friday for a weight and blood pressure check (it was high at my annual) and a dosage adjustment, if necessary. Thankfully, all my other labs came back normal - no pre-diabetes, normal cholesterol, etc.

So, that's all for the sertraline report.

Musical Dreaming

I like to sing.

I really like to sing folk songs and ballads, "Irish" pub songs, sea chanties, old-school torch songs,blues, and anything else that stays in that middle to low register where my voice really shines.

As I noted a couple posts ago, if I had the wherewithal, I'd love to be in an all-chicks "Irish" pub band (and I'd call it Mad Morrigan. There'd have to be three of us). I think to do that, however, I need to learn to play an instrument. My rhythm isn't bad and I could possibly learn to play the bodhran, with practice (of course). I don't know if I can play the bodhran and sing at the same time, though. I can dance and sing, walk and sing, type and sing...you get the idea. I've also been kicking around the idea of taking guitar lessons for a while, but I don't know if I'm "too old" to pick up something new like that. I haven't gotten any further than drooling over pretty guitars on that, though.

I also think that Kerwin and I (he sings too, a lovely bass/baritone) could make decent money singing together at weddings and events. We'd be a cute double act, plus we're both fairly talented - then I think that he only plays saxophone, and I play nothing. We'd need a band.

It all comes back to needing instruments. Anybody else that plays an instrument want to be in a pub band with me? If you're local I'd love to get together just to jam. I miss real singing (in the car doesn't really count).

Weigh-In

After gaining a pound last week, I am down 2 for this week. Eight pounds, total since starting 3 weeks ago. Not too shabby.

The Scent of Awakening

This is my entry for Thordora's June Pulsate Olympics.

I walked into my mother's house today and smelled Paganism. My mother is Lutheran, and as far as I know holds no Pagan leanings - but the smell that wafted into my nostrils as I set my things down was unmistakably the smell of the small hole-in-the-wall shop where I conducted my spiritual awakening over the course of a couple of years. The shop is out of business now, and I'm not sure what, if anything, resides there now. The smell of the store (and my mother's house today) is the same as any new-agey or occult store that sells incense in a small space - exotic woods, musk, eucalyptus and who-knows-what-else all mixed together, but that smell will always remind me of Wings and the incredibly kind and patient people who worked there and answered my questions, let me spend entire afternoons picking their brains, and tolerated my endless browsing to only walk out with $5 worth of merchandise. There's a shop in the town where I now reside that smells similar - but they sell mostly beads and bohemian hippie clothes, so it's not quite the same.

That smell takes me back to when I still looked for the wonder in everything, and anything seemed possible. It was a time of transitions, leaving the trappings of childhood behind and figuring out what to take with me into adulthood. It's the smell of a few poor decisions mixed with a lot of great ones. It's comforting to smell, yet bittersweet - the reminders of those wonderful people who were so good to a girl on the verge of discovering herself, who reassured me that as long as I "checked my gut" and remembered "why my friends call me 'Mama Heather'", that everything would work out in the end.

It did. It has. It continues to. For the smell of awakening, for the time, talk, and wisdom you shared - thank you Dawn and Sherri, and all others whose names I cannot remember. Blessed be.

The New and Improved?

I'm going to get a pedicure this afternoon.

I've never had one before, and I don't know what to expect. I made sure to shave my legs, I don't know if a leg massage is involved and I didn't want to gross any nail techs out. Well, that and I'm wearing capris. Hairy legs and capris, they don't mix. But this pedicure thing is new. I was sitting with my feet in the pool at the daycare provider's house one afternoon after work last week while Freyja swam (okay, she didn't so much swim as float around in a blow-up dolphin) with Kerwin. DCP and I were chatting and she said she had to go get a pedicure before her son's open house (which is tomorrow). I mentioned that I had never had a pedicure (GASP), and the next thing I know we have a date.

I am just NOT the "type" (is there a type?) that gets pedicures. I paint my toenails, sure. Myself. With strange, bright colors. I haven't worn makeup since January, and the biggest concessions I make to my girly side is a haircut every six weeks (and this is not even a year-old ritual) and a dye job every four. The haircut I get at BoRics, and the dye I do myself. Low-maintenance.

But as I think about that seven pound weight loss and the next three years (my conservative estimate) that it will take to lose the rest, I think that it might be fun to do some things that are considered "girly". It might be nice to buy some more feminine clothing (once I can fit into it). I've always been that chick in jeans, a ponytail, and birkenstocks. Girly was never my M.O. I got my man by my brains, personality and my persistence (becuase DAMN was that boy an internet ho!), not with perfect hair, pretty makeup, and ladylike manners.

I kind of want those ladylike manners. I kind of want the girly stuff - for me. Not for anybody else, but for me. Yet I don't want to lose myself, nor can I get past my desire to tell society at large to eff off. It's a fine line. Maybe I'm just "growing up".

Success!

Minor and initial success, but hey, it's something. It's something so good that I am being naughty and sneaking on from work to blog about it.

I lost 7 pounds my first week on weight watchers. I know it will slow down soon, but it was awesome to hop on that scale and see that drop :) My pants fit better. I feel good.

Is anybody else who's doing WW kind of OCD about writing things down? It drives Kerwin insane that I'm always pulling out my little blue bag to jot down this point and that point and those two glasses of water.

Downhearted

Meh.

That about sums things up for me right now.

I'm at a loss for things to blog about - Freyja does lots of cute stuff, but so do everybody else's kids - and then I read about everybody else's kids, which reminds me of something funny or cute that Freyja did, and then I can't write about it, because that's almost like copying and cheating.

I quit going to therapy. I haven't been in two months. I'm not willing to get into my issues and so there's no point in wasting the money.

I'm in constant pain from sciatica that started in pregnancy and I can't do anything remotely fun with my kid, but my doctor doesn't care. Apparently I must be faking it just to get pain meds, when I haven't ever asked for pain meds. The treatment I want to use (sterile water epidural) is "risky" and "not guaranteed". Well, yes. So are epidurals in labor, but I don't hear anybody refusing them to laboring women on those criteria. The sterile water treatment has been used since the early 1900's to good effect for people with debilitating back pain.

It will all go away if I lose weight (according to my doctor). The depression, the anxiety, the back pain. I asked for antidepressants a while back and he told me to exercise. Fuck. Tell me how I'm supposed to exercise when just standing on my feet feels like I'm being stabbed in the lower back and down the backs of my legs? Just work through it? There is no working through it.

Eat less? No shit. Then I'll be hungry and in pain, which makes me just incredibly great and patient as a parent. I pass up going out with friends, taking Freyja out to play or to do anything fun with her because of this pain.

Yet I keep bitching and doing nothing. I can't work as a doula effectively with this pain either. I just can't motivate myself and I don't want anybody else to motivate me. I don't think I'm worth motivating, so all the pep talks in the world do nothing. I'm not looking for sympathy. People tell me all the time how great of a person I am, I just don't believe them (especially when I'm in a downswing).

I feel like a 15 year old trying to play at being grown up. I don't know what to base my self worth on. Next week I'll probably feel better and wonder why I wrote this. Is this what bipolar is, or am I just some kind of freak? Should I go back to therapy? Find a different regular doctor?

I think I need a hug.

Weekend Details!

As we prepare for Easter, I would like to take some time to reflect on what's really important about this weekend.

I'm going to IKEA! Oh yeah! We're heading to A2 to see Kerwin's grandmother and on Saturday we're going to the Ikea in Canton township. I want to get Freyja a table and chairs (the Svala set, I think - I have visions of blackboard paint on the tabletop) and I think we're having lunch there. I've had IKEA lust ever since I knew it existed.

Oh, another monumental event is this weekend, too. I'll be wearing a dress. A new one. The last time I bought a dress was for my wedding. I just couldn't resist the cute wrap dresses on sale at Target last night, and although I looked fat in it, I look fat in pants, too. I might as well look cute and to hell what people think. I wanted to link a picture, but it isn't online. It's a black and white pattern of circles made of tiny little dots. I'll try to post a picture after this weekend. I do now fully believe that EVERYONE can look great in a wrap dress.

I've got a secret.

It's a nice secret, a good secret, a happy secret. It's all mine, and I don't want to tell anybody about it. It needs to be my special private secret for a little while longer. I don't need anyone's approval or anyone's disapproval. I just need to be one with my secret. I don't want anybody else to know. If you see me smiling, I'm thinking about my secret. I'll tell you about it at Midsummer.

No, I'm not pregnant. Really. If I were pregnant, this post would instead be titled, simply, "Fuck". And instead of telling you about it at Midsummer, I'd be telling you about it at Yule.

Real Moms...

Kat tagged me for this MeMe.

Real moms...

...happily admit their children are driving them insane.
...strike up a conversation with the other mom at the playground who looks like she's about to lose it, too.
...find that talking to other real moms makes them feel better.
...aren't afraid to lay down the law when necessary.
...sometimes agree to extra chocolate sprinkles, even on breakfast cereal.
...don't play the mommy guilt game.
...love dancing in the rain as much as their toddlers do.
...don't let other real moms play the mommy guilt game.
...have useful advice or funny anecdotes on everything, from vitamin Z to potty training.
...bring their kids onto campus if they must, and use iPhoto to entertain them.