According to the test I took; and upon confirmation that yes, it was pretty damn accurate, I now have two new diagnoses.
Axis I: Bipolar Disorder
Axis II: Avoidant Personality Disorder
Neither are really any surprise. The Bipolar, my therapist said, is "mild" but "not mild enough" to be cyclothymia.
I'm trying to cope. It's nice to know that I don't have to feel the way I've felt all my life, that there is something at least a little wrong, and with medication and therapy I have a good chance of fixing it. It also explains a lot about how I feel day-to-day.
On the other hand, I am now officially crazy. I have an appointment with my primary care doc to go over mood stabilizing medication options.
This is hard. I've spent the last ten or twelve years pretending there's absolutely nothing wrong with me. Now I have to learn to cope (better than I have been), but I'd rather just crawl into a hole and shut the world out for a while. This, unfortunately, is not possible.
I don't want to be a grown-up today.