Sunday, December 23, 2007

Late Night Musings

I'm tired. Not just physically, mind. Physical tiredness is easy to deal with, at least for me. Insomnia has never been one of my traits. Night-owl-ness, very much so. I just seem to have developed a bone-deep weariness that I can't shake. I'm emotional (I know some of that has to do with pregnancy hormones), yet can't bring myself to invest much emotion in others right now. The bipolar just eats away at me, and there's nothing I can do for it. Unless I become suicidal (which I'm not. Just freakin tired!) I won't risk hurting the baby to treat it with drugs.

It doesn't help that I'm not working. It doesn't help that I dislike being a stay at home parent, or that I'm a crappy housekeeper and I feel like a crappy mom. I feel as though I contribute absolutely nothing to anyone or anything currently. I know in my rational mind this isn't true - Freyja is bathed, fed, clothed, played with, cuddled and loved. I know that that is worth something, but it doesn't feel like it to me. I hope I can hold it together with two kids. I know I don't have to hold it together alone, but I feel like I have to deal with the bipolar and the mental issues alone. It's just overwhelming. I worry about after the baby comes, will I deal with postpartum depression again? Or worse, postpartum psychosis?

I just worry a lot. I'm just tired. My therapist is nice, but she doesn't quite get it. Even though the test she gave me agrees with the bipolar diagnosis, she seems to think that boosting my self-esteem will solve all my problems. If only it were that easy.


thordora said...

If you are bipolar, you might have to choose between sleep and breastfeeding. Sleep deprivation can lead to psychosis...

stay in touch with your doctor during the postpartum period, and get into them as soon as possible if it's going bad.

Get all the sleep you can right now-it will help your mood. Can you take Freyja to volunteer? That might make you feel better...

hang in there. I know how hard that is....

Heather said...

I'm not having trouble sleeping, it just feels like I never get enough rest. I'm probably sleeping 7-9 hours a night, which is usually my optimum, KWIM? If I get less than that it's b/c I stayed up waaaay too late, reading or somesuch.

I'd rather be sane and have a bottle baby than be pyscho with a breastfed baby, believe you me. :)

Anonymous said...

Dear Heather,
Please hold on. I'm glad you'd rather be sane than breastfeed -- so many moms go off track by being unwilling to take care of themselves when they have a baby. You ARE a good mom. You're not the only one who feels like the worst stay-at-home mom ever. Me too. I don't have a full-time job (well, sort of, with my blog Postpatum Progress) and I still have my youngest in day care. I can barely keep my house clean. Some people are good at it. Others aren't. But I'm still an awesome mom and my children adore me.
Just please reach out to those of us who know what it's like and we'll be here for you.
-- Katherine Stone, Pospartum Progress

Erin - ExpectingExecutive said...

Like Katherine, you have my understanding and support. Are you making preprations for some early-on child care services? Like having a night nurse or making sure that you have a sitter come for a few hours every day for the first few weeks to make the newborn experience less smothering? Feel free to reach out anytime! Erin @

Kristin said...

Hi, Heather,

I have sooo been where you are! My two eldest kids are only 13 months apart and there were plenty of times I either thought I was going crazy or that I was totally useless. I mean some days it was great if I simply got them fed and bathed. I felt like I truly accomplished nothing. But I was encouraged by my very wise aunt who reminded me to appreciate the "little" things because they really aren't so little in the grand scheme of things. Daily accomplishments may be measured by meals or diaper changings rather than business deals closed, but they are true accomplishments. Some days it's a big deal to get the dishwasher emptied. Just keep believing in what you're doing. You're doing awesome work. Keep it up.

Heather said...

Oh lord, a night nurse? I don't think we'll be able to afford that. Thankfully I have a hubby who has always been very willing to take over a night feeding/rocking/etc.

Tracey Huguley said...

Hi Heather,

I had a similiar experience with my second child. Had severe PPD and was breastfeeding. I breastfed my first for 2 years and felt guilty to stop with her at 9 months, but couldn't do it any longer. I chose for my own emotional health to stop. I was sad but in the end it all was for the best "for me".

Hang in there. We are all with you. You will be in my thoughts.

Tracey Huguley

Liz said...

Hi there. I identify with this on so many levels and my heart goes out to you. I experienced postpartum psychosis last winter after the birth of my second child. It was terrifying and became a crisis very quickly. Do everything you can to avoid getting to that point. It can happen very quickly.

I was way sleep deprived and also gave up on nursing just to get some sleep. It worked out just fine.

I know you said you would rather not take drugs now, but it sounds like you are pretty low. Don't let it get too bad. If you need some support or just need to talk, feel free to email me.

I've been there. It's hell, but you can make it through.I recently started posting about my PPP experience on my blog and I have received so much support. I am glad you are brave enough to put all this out there. That's a great sign, actually.

Anonymous said...


I experienced PPD after my second child. I thought i was going insane. I coulnt sleep eat or be happy. I lost 10 lbs. and had sever anxiety i was worrying over every silly thing, and for five months i was going from doctor to nutritionist and nobody told me that i've got PPD. Finally I went to chiropracter and he told me I need a physiciatrist I thought he's off his mind. I almost thought I'm mentally I'll. After all i was so happy that i went to this amazing physiciatrist he gave me zoloft I was on it for 18 Months and thank god I had an easy weaning. I wont say that I didnt stay with a phobia to have another child, I still get anxiety from time to time and that means the viscous cycle is on (no sleep tense no eat and no good mood) but by now i'm stronger to bounce back and fight it. I hope that this will end soon and the after affect will fade away.