Weight loss thoughts

Just to reassure folks, I'm not trying to lose weight right now. I lost 30 pounds over the summer and then I got pregnant. I've lost 13 more pounds since, probably because I am eating small meals and snacks every 1.5-2 hours while I'm awake to stave off nausea.

I used Weight Watchers over the summer and I plan to go back to that once the baby is born, since I find it easy and low-stress.

They're starting a "Biggest Loser" challenge over on my BabyCenter birth board, and they're going to use percentages, apparently that is how they do it on the NBC show. I don't watch "The Biggest Loser" although I do like "Celebrity Fit Club" (celebrity fit club is funnier, frankly). This means that if they do another challenge after I have this baby, there is no fair competition for me, personally. I think most of them looking to lose weigh under 200 pounds.

For me to lose 10% of my body weight right now, I would have to lose 37 pounds. Yes, you read that correctly. I am very heavy and it's very unhealthy. Someone who weighs 160 would only need to lose 16 to hit a 10% goal. I could whine about it over there, but what else is a blog for, right? I adore those ladies. I get that they feel unhealthy and unfit in their bodies currently. But I would be delighted to weigh 180. At this point, I'd be delighted to weigh under 300. I don't blame anyone else for my weight issue - I know it's my fault and my problem. That's why I was working on it! I sit on my butt too much and while we eat pretty healthily the majority of the time, we also hit the drive thru. I know it didn't go on overnight and I don't expect to take it off that quickly. Going by that it's safe to lose 1% of body weight in a week, it would take me about 12 weeks, or 3 mo, to lose 10%. It might be the same for someone else smaller, but no gaurantees. I don't think it's easier for overly large people to lose weight - it just looks that way b/c of excess water weight.

I just bristle that I can't have "fair" competition with my friends on that board, if they stick with the same style of challenge after I've had the baby. I like friendly competition of this sort, and I think it's fun and valuable, but there's no point in participating in the specific challenge b/c there is no way I can come even close to "winning" using a percentage system. I'll still do Weight Watchers and lose the weight - nothing is going to stop me there - but I suppose I'll have to stick with SparkPeople's boards for the support/competition. The women who need to lose 15-20 pounds probably don't understand what it's like for me, who needs to lose 150-200 pounds.

Or maybe they do, and I'm not giving them a chance.

Late Night Musings

I'm tired. Not just physically, mind. Physical tiredness is easy to deal with, at least for me. Insomnia has never been one of my traits. Night-owl-ness, very much so. I just seem to have developed a bone-deep weariness that I can't shake. I'm emotional (I know some of that has to do with pregnancy hormones), yet can't bring myself to invest much emotion in others right now. The bipolar just eats away at me, and there's nothing I can do for it. Unless I become suicidal (which I'm not. Just freakin tired!) I won't risk hurting the baby to treat it with drugs.

It doesn't help that I'm not working. It doesn't help that I dislike being a stay at home parent, or that I'm a crappy housekeeper and I feel like a crappy mom. I feel as though I contribute absolutely nothing to anyone or anything currently. I know in my rational mind this isn't true - Freyja is bathed, fed, clothed, played with, cuddled and loved. I know that that is worth something, but it doesn't feel like it to me. I hope I can hold it together with two kids. I know I don't have to hold it together alone, but I feel like I have to deal with the bipolar and the mental issues alone. It's just overwhelming. I worry about after the baby comes, will I deal with postpartum depression again? Or worse, postpartum psychosis?

I just worry a lot. I'm just tired. My therapist is nice, but she doesn't quite get it. Even though the test she gave me agrees with the bipolar diagnosis, she seems to think that boosting my self-esteem will solve all my problems. If only it were that easy.

Our Trip Away

Kerwin works for a Marriott brand hotel (think the high-end, swanky one), and one of his "perks" is 2 free nights at a Marriott property at least 60 miles away from the one he works at in November or December.

We took advantage of this the past couple of days in the Ann Arbor, MI area. I had hoped to come back with pictures of Freyja jumping on the bed, but she refused to jump. It was a king bed, I was right there, I made sure her shoes were off. I said, "you can jump on the bed!"

"No, mumma. That is NOT safe."

"Yes, but I am here watching you, so it's OK. It's a big bed, and I doubt you'll fall."

"I will fawl and cwack my head open and you will have to take me to the 'mergency woom."

There you have it - my own personal safety patrol. We did have a good time using the pool and visiting with Kerwin's grandmother, whom we helped "decoration" her Christmas tree. The bed was cushy and huge - Freyja slept on the foldout couch the second night b/c she tossed and turned too much the first and kept us both awake. Last night, Kerwin was on one side and I was on the other, and I think you could have easily fit another fairly large adult in the middle. I don't, as a rule, snuggle.

A nice trip away, even if I didn't get any time to myself. I may look into having Kerwin just come and check me into the Courtyard or SpringHill Suites near us (we get a great rate there, something like $39/night) for a couple days of solo mommy R&R before the baby comes. I could read, take long baths, sleep, take more long baths...oh yeah.

Freyja's Current Obessions

Thanks to my dad, Freyja has discovered the joys of YouTube.

Unfortunately, he didn't tell me what videos he played for her, leading to screaming that I wasn't playing the song with the swing and the car. WTF?! I had to call my dad to figure it out. It was the first one on the list.

Here's her current favorites, courtesy of Grandpa .

Leann Rimes - Nothing Bout Love Makes Sense

Leann Rimes - Nothin' Better to Do

The 5th Dimension - Wedding Bell Blues

The Archies - Sugar Sugar

Holiday Card

Made with GIMP, b/c I'm too poor for Photoshop.

Dear Idiot Child

To the Idiot Child Driving the Green Pickup Truck;
4:52 PM, December 10, 2007
Apple Drive and 144th, Nunica, MI

Please go directly to the Secretary of State's office and surrender your licence, if you even have one. The purpose of a stop sign is so that you STOP, look BOTH WAYS, and then WAIT if there is traffic coming before proceeding across the intersection. You seem to think a stop sign means to slow down, then drive slowly across the intersection, causing motorists with right of way to attempt to brake with less than 50 yards between you and them. Thank goodness the roads were not icy. If talking to your friend or adjusting your radio is more important than keeping your eyes on the road that you barely glanced in my direction as I laid on the horn for those 50 yards, you shouldn't be on the road. Period.

Since you have obviously not learned such a fundamental driving law, you don't deserve to be on the road. You almost got yourself t-boned today. You probably would have been all right, since I drive a tiny Geo Prism. My daughter and I may not have been so lucky. I don't think you want lives on your conscience at 16 or 17.

Driving is a priveldge, not a right. If I knew how to contact your parents, I would. I hope for your sake you did notice how close you came to a serious accident today and talk to your parents about it. They should think twice before allowing you back on the road.

Presents!

All the stuff I've bought on Etsy has arrived.

I am really tempted to get into the yummy soap I ordered. It just smells so good!