VBAC Consult

I was very pleasantly surprised. My assigned OB is a 4th year resident. She reminds me a lot of one of the docs I used to "work" with at the clinic where I did my AmeriCorps service.

She was very up front about what exactly I can expect, answered all of my questions without waffling or "maybe" or "we'll see". She said "This will happen, this will happen, this will happen, but beyond that, it's all up to you." So, I signed the consent forms and we're now officially planning a VBAC. The hospital seems to be very progressive as far as natural birth goes. None of the residents being trained do routine episiotomies, my OB at least will catch in any position I want to be in, and I was encouraged to use things like a birth ball, the shower and the tub. Excellent!

They don't use any ripening agents for VBAC's (very good) and will only use pitocin if a pressure catheter shows that contractions just aren't doing the work they should. Those are both very good things.

The only sucky part is that my blood pressure was REALLY high while we were there. They checked it twice. She ordered some blood work and I have to keep my pee for 24 hours to check for protein spilling in it. I am going to puke soooo much, just thinking about that makes me nauseous. Better safe than sorry, though.

Slacker!

Totally.

There just hasn't been much going on here to blog about. Life goes on. I have my VBAC consultation on Monday, which I hope goes well. I have a very long list of questions to ask the OB. I hope I don't scare him. I've done my research.

I am getting another ultrasound. It seems that idiot midwife missed the part that said "FOLLOW UP RECOMMENDED" on the report. Marvelous midwife did notice it, however - but only after I asked about the gender and then cried. I didn't intend to cry, but hormones got in the way.

So, that will be on February 4th - a week from Monday. Hopefully baby will cooperate and we'll get the money shot.

Freyja has gone from "If it's a boy, I am running away to live at Grandma's" to "NO, I don't want a GIRL baby, I only like BOY babies."

Gut feeling still says boy. Gut feeling was accurate for Freyja, so we'll see how well mother's intuition plays out this time. Frankly, I hope it's a boy because we decided on a boy name already. Girls names are still up in the air - we have three we both love, and we would probably have to have the baby first and see what name fits her the best.

Hmmm

How the heck is this baby all up in my ribcage already? I'm only 24 weeks. I should have known things were expanding further in there from the heartburn I've had the past few nights.

Brush Up Your Shakespeare

Oooh, I AM as pretentious as I feel...hee hee :)

Sour Grapes

Because one of the midwives in the practice couldn't find the baby's heartbeat at my 18 week appt, she sent me for an ultrasound "just in case".

What she neglected to mention was that this was going to be the "big" ultrasound. You know, the one where they check the spine, and the organs, and the GENDER.

So I didn't ask. I figured I'd get another one in a couple weeks.

Ha. No. No ultrasounds to be had here. They flat-out REFUSE to order another one. "Oh, you'll just have to wait, just like the old days! Hee hee, won't that be nice?" And the other preggos on boards I visit who are due around the same time are all having THEIR "big" ultrasounds. I find myself unwilling to congratulate them because really I want to be jealous and petty and say "you bitch" - even though it isn't anyone's fault but the midwife.

I know it's not a life-changing thing. We know the baby is healthy, and that's what matters.

Yeah, fuck that. I want to know what I'm having. Medical technology affords me that, and I'm not being permitted to access it. I can't get anything ready, I only have enough gender neutral things to last the first couple months, IF that.

Why does it feel so wrong to be upset about this? It seems like such a small thing, but it isn't, not to me.

Dizzy

The past two times I've been up and about doing any significant amount of walking, I have gotten lightheaded and dizzy and almost fainted. The first time I thought that maybe my blood sugar was really low. This time I ate dinner right before I went to the store - sausage, potatoes, green beans; pretty balanced, and it happened again. I was able to sit down for a few minutes and I was OK again.

I think I'll be fine waiting until Monday to call. Hubby thought I might need to call the emergency line. I don't really know what he thinks they can do except have me go into the ER or something, which I can't do anyway because he's at work and I have Freyja at home with me.

The baby is very active tonight, kicking and rolling and doing lots of moving around.

Ow?

I have a zit on my bum. I realize this happens from time to time. However, it is one of those nasty bright red, hard and hot ones. You know, the sort that are nigh impossible to pop so I can put myself out of my misery?

And it hurts to sit on a hard surface.

Why, at a time when the skin on my face looks relatively fabulous, has the skin on my bum gone haywire?

And to add insult to injury, the underwire just popped on the last bra I have that fits. The rest are all too small in the cups or have sustained similar underwire injuries.

I am going to fucking cry now. When you have boobs as big as mine, bras are not cheap nor plentiful. And I have no money.

The Family's Peculiar Aristocratic Titles

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Her Grace Lady Heather the Perplexed of Hope End Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Baron Kerwin the Loquacious of Waterless St Mildred Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Entirely Miss Reverend Lady Freyja the Implacable of Piddletrenthide on the Carpet Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

Weight loss thoughts

Just to reassure folks, I'm not trying to lose weight right now. I lost 30 pounds over the summer and then I got pregnant. I've lost 13 more pounds since, probably because I am eating small meals and snacks every 1.5-2 hours while I'm awake to stave off nausea.

I used Weight Watchers over the summer and I plan to go back to that once the baby is born, since I find it easy and low-stress.

They're starting a "Biggest Loser" challenge over on my BabyCenter birth board, and they're going to use percentages, apparently that is how they do it on the NBC show. I don't watch "The Biggest Loser" although I do like "Celebrity Fit Club" (celebrity fit club is funnier, frankly). This means that if they do another challenge after I have this baby, there is no fair competition for me, personally. I think most of them looking to lose weigh under 200 pounds.

For me to lose 10% of my body weight right now, I would have to lose 37 pounds. Yes, you read that correctly. I am very heavy and it's very unhealthy. Someone who weighs 160 would only need to lose 16 to hit a 10% goal. I could whine about it over there, but what else is a blog for, right? I adore those ladies. I get that they feel unhealthy and unfit in their bodies currently. But I would be delighted to weigh 180. At this point, I'd be delighted to weigh under 300. I don't blame anyone else for my weight issue - I know it's my fault and my problem. That's why I was working on it! I sit on my butt too much and while we eat pretty healthily the majority of the time, we also hit the drive thru. I know it didn't go on overnight and I don't expect to take it off that quickly. Going by that it's safe to lose 1% of body weight in a week, it would take me about 12 weeks, or 3 mo, to lose 10%. It might be the same for someone else smaller, but no gaurantees. I don't think it's easier for overly large people to lose weight - it just looks that way b/c of excess water weight.

I just bristle that I can't have "fair" competition with my friends on that board, if they stick with the same style of challenge after I've had the baby. I like friendly competition of this sort, and I think it's fun and valuable, but there's no point in participating in the specific challenge b/c there is no way I can come even close to "winning" using a percentage system. I'll still do Weight Watchers and lose the weight - nothing is going to stop me there - but I suppose I'll have to stick with SparkPeople's boards for the support/competition. The women who need to lose 15-20 pounds probably don't understand what it's like for me, who needs to lose 150-200 pounds.

Or maybe they do, and I'm not giving them a chance.

Late Night Musings

I'm tired. Not just physically, mind. Physical tiredness is easy to deal with, at least for me. Insomnia has never been one of my traits. Night-owl-ness, very much so. I just seem to have developed a bone-deep weariness that I can't shake. I'm emotional (I know some of that has to do with pregnancy hormones), yet can't bring myself to invest much emotion in others right now. The bipolar just eats away at me, and there's nothing I can do for it. Unless I become suicidal (which I'm not. Just freakin tired!) I won't risk hurting the baby to treat it with drugs.

It doesn't help that I'm not working. It doesn't help that I dislike being a stay at home parent, or that I'm a crappy housekeeper and I feel like a crappy mom. I feel as though I contribute absolutely nothing to anyone or anything currently. I know in my rational mind this isn't true - Freyja is bathed, fed, clothed, played with, cuddled and loved. I know that that is worth something, but it doesn't feel like it to me. I hope I can hold it together with two kids. I know I don't have to hold it together alone, but I feel like I have to deal with the bipolar and the mental issues alone. It's just overwhelming. I worry about after the baby comes, will I deal with postpartum depression again? Or worse, postpartum psychosis?

I just worry a lot. I'm just tired. My therapist is nice, but she doesn't quite get it. Even though the test she gave me agrees with the bipolar diagnosis, she seems to think that boosting my self-esteem will solve all my problems. If only it were that easy.

Our Trip Away

Kerwin works for a Marriott brand hotel (think the high-end, swanky one), and one of his "perks" is 2 free nights at a Marriott property at least 60 miles away from the one he works at in November or December.

We took advantage of this the past couple of days in the Ann Arbor, MI area. I had hoped to come back with pictures of Freyja jumping on the bed, but she refused to jump. It was a king bed, I was right there, I made sure her shoes were off. I said, "you can jump on the bed!"

"No, mumma. That is NOT safe."

"Yes, but I am here watching you, so it's OK. It's a big bed, and I doubt you'll fall."

"I will fawl and cwack my head open and you will have to take me to the 'mergency woom."

There you have it - my own personal safety patrol. We did have a good time using the pool and visiting with Kerwin's grandmother, whom we helped "decoration" her Christmas tree. The bed was cushy and huge - Freyja slept on the foldout couch the second night b/c she tossed and turned too much the first and kept us both awake. Last night, Kerwin was on one side and I was on the other, and I think you could have easily fit another fairly large adult in the middle. I don't, as a rule, snuggle.

A nice trip away, even if I didn't get any time to myself. I may look into having Kerwin just come and check me into the Courtyard or SpringHill Suites near us (we get a great rate there, something like $39/night) for a couple days of solo mommy R&R before the baby comes. I could read, take long baths, sleep, take more long baths...oh yeah.

Freyja's Current Obessions

Thanks to my dad, Freyja has discovered the joys of YouTube.

Unfortunately, he didn't tell me what videos he played for her, leading to screaming that I wasn't playing the song with the swing and the car. WTF?! I had to call my dad to figure it out. It was the first one on the list.

Here's her current favorites, courtesy of Grandpa .

Leann Rimes - Nothing Bout Love Makes Sense

Leann Rimes - Nothin' Better to Do

The 5th Dimension - Wedding Bell Blues

The Archies - Sugar Sugar

Holiday Card

Made with GIMP, b/c I'm too poor for Photoshop.

Dear Idiot Child

To the Idiot Child Driving the Green Pickup Truck;
4:52 PM, December 10, 2007
Apple Drive and 144th, Nunica, MI

Please go directly to the Secretary of State's office and surrender your licence, if you even have one. The purpose of a stop sign is so that you STOP, look BOTH WAYS, and then WAIT if there is traffic coming before proceeding across the intersection. You seem to think a stop sign means to slow down, then drive slowly across the intersection, causing motorists with right of way to attempt to brake with less than 50 yards between you and them. Thank goodness the roads were not icy. If talking to your friend or adjusting your radio is more important than keeping your eyes on the road that you barely glanced in my direction as I laid on the horn for those 50 yards, you shouldn't be on the road. Period.

Since you have obviously not learned such a fundamental driving law, you don't deserve to be on the road. You almost got yourself t-boned today. You probably would have been all right, since I drive a tiny Geo Prism. My daughter and I may not have been so lucky. I don't think you want lives on your conscience at 16 or 17.

Driving is a priveldge, not a right. If I knew how to contact your parents, I would. I hope for your sake you did notice how close you came to a serious accident today and talk to your parents about it. They should think twice before allowing you back on the road.

Presents!

All the stuff I've bought on Etsy has arrived.

I am really tempted to get into the yummy soap I ordered. It just smells so good!

Sunday Ramblings Redux

I'm trying to do all of my holiday shopping for extended family on the money I have in paypal. My folks offered to help us out. They don't want anything back, but I just don't want to let them if I don't have to. I know I shouldn't be so prideful.

Gosh, it's hard. With me not working, though, it's what we can spare. I love Etsy for this. It's only the men I'm having trouble with. I just finished up two aunts and two cousins with a couple of Etsy purchases! Thankfully, we draw names on both sides so there aren't too many presents to buy. It looks like I'll have $$ left over, so hopefully I can find something cute for Freyja, too. It might not be the almighty Giraffe Tent, but it'll be something.

I enjoy shopping and finding that perfect thing, and being funds-limited just makes it more of a challenge. I'm trying to keep thinking of it that way - challenging, instead of pathetic. We'll at least keep up appearances for the family, though I don't know if Freyja is going to get much of anything from us at all. This is the first year she's really been excited about giving and getting presents, and all of hers will probably be from Grandma.

I know I shouldn't be so upset about a commercialized holiday, but I am. There, I admit it. I love Christmas and I hate being unemployed so our Christmas is going to suck. Kerwin doesn't want me to call the Salvation Army or Toys for Tots or anything like that to see about getting Freyja some presents, either. We've given to those and other similar programs for the past two years - and we will next year if things are better - I don't see the problem in utilizing something like this just this once.

Other than that, we're pretty broke. Kerwin and I have been fighting pretty much non-stop and I'm stressed close to the breaking point which I know can't be that good for the baby. I think he thinks that I'm trying to stay unemployed on purpose, at least that's the feeling I get. Yeah. I like worrying about paying bills and buying groceries. That's SO my idea of a good time.

I've applied for many jobs, I've been told my resume doesn't suck by some people I trust on that, and yet there are no calls. I'm going to head down to Goodwill, Manpower, and a few other agencies this week to see if there's anything they have listed that I qualify for. Temp work would be good right now anyway, considering I don't know how easy it's going to be to convince anyone to hire someone who's 4 months pregnant and will be going on maternity leave in early May anyway.

If you made it through this much of my whining, I thank you.

The Stars Don't Lie?

I am a great kisser, thank you very much.

Sunday Musings

I get more flowers now that my hubby works 3rd shift loss prevention at a fancy hotel than I ever did before. It has nothing to do with him getting paid more and thus being more able to buy me flowers, it has to do with wedding receptions, museum galas, and political events being held there.

Yes, I get castoff flowers. Today I also got cookies, Godiva chocolates, and Bosc pears, since they used pears in the arrangements for the wedding held at his hotel last night. They are very pretty arrangements, just the kind of thing I might have liked could I have afforded such a fancy fall wedding.

A few weeks ago, he brought home a gorgeous centerpiece of white and pink roses and miniature lilies. I dried about two dozen roses. It smells absolutely divine over by my baker's rack in the kitchen.

I suppose it's nice that he does think about me and bring these castoff flowers home. As a bargain hunter, I can understand his thinking.

All the same, it'd still be nice to get flowers that were intended for me in the first place, at least once in a while.

Goodbye, GG.

The funeral was yesterday, and it was nice. Nice seems like a shallow descriptor, but it's the only one I can come up with right now.

I slipped the "Fuck Cancer" cross-stitch I made into the casket, because she loved it.

The homily had to do with faith and how Grandma lived hers by loving her family and taking care of the people around her. No altar calls, no come to Jesus if you loved Grandma talks, which I know Kerwin and I appreciated. My mom was amused by the two of us singing bass and alto on all the hymns without hymnals in our hands. She thought it was funny that the only people who knew all the words and harmony lines without the hymnals are, in fact, "godless heathens" (she DOES know about Paganism, she was just giving us crap).

Freyja did really well, she was quiet and she drew some pictures during the service.

It's over

My grandma passed on at 3:30 this afternoon.

The funeral is on Wednesday.

I'm doing OK, just weepy and upset. She was a wonderful lady and we are going to miss her a lot.