My Grandma is Dying

She had stomach cancer, had her whole stomach removed two years ago. Now it is back, and after an agressive chemo treatment a few weeks ago she has gotten steadily worse.

We spent the better part of the night at the hospital, then came to my folks about 5 am to try and get some sleep when nothing was changing. She's on oxygen, but is do not rescusitate in her orders.

My dad and his siblings, and some more of the family (who didn't have a cranky 3 yo to deal with) saw the internist this morning and they have said there is nothing more they can do for her, and all we can do is wait.

They may be moving her to hospice, but we don't know about that yet.

I'm the oldest grandchild and Grandma and I are pretty close. Freyja is beside herself and keeps telling us she doesn't want GG to die. I just tell her that sometimes our bodies become so broken that we can't live anymore, but if she loves GG, GG will never really leave her b/c she'll be in her heart. She seems satisifed with that, but it's so hard to watch your 3 yo cry b/c someone she loves is dying. There are seven other grandchildren and two more great grands, and lots of other family who will miss a funny, caring, loving lady.

Officially Crazy

According to the test I took; and upon confirmation that yes, it was pretty damn accurate, I now have two new diagnoses.

Axis I: Bipolar Disorder
Axis II: Avoidant Personality Disorder

Neither are really any surprise. The Bipolar, my therapist said, is "mild" but "not mild enough" to be cyclothymia.

I'm trying to cope. It's nice to know that I don't have to feel the way I've felt all my life, that there is something at least a little wrong, and with medication and therapy I have a good chance of fixing it. It also explains a lot about how I feel day-to-day.

On the other hand, I am now officially crazy. I have an appointment with my primary care doc to go over mood stabilizing medication options.

This is hard. I've spent the last ten or twelve years pretending there's absolutely nothing wrong with me. Now I have to learn to cope (better than I have been), but I'd rather just crawl into a hole and shut the world out for a while. This, unfortunately, is not possible.

I don't want to be a grown-up today.

Downhearted

Meh.

That about sums things up for me right now.

I'm at a loss for things to blog about - Freyja does lots of cute stuff, but so do everybody else's kids - and then I read about everybody else's kids, which reminds me of something funny or cute that Freyja did, and then I can't write about it, because that's almost like copying and cheating.

I quit going to therapy. I haven't been in two months. I'm not willing to get into my issues and so there's no point in wasting the money.

I'm in constant pain from sciatica that started in pregnancy and I can't do anything remotely fun with my kid, but my doctor doesn't care. Apparently I must be faking it just to get pain meds, when I haven't ever asked for pain meds. The treatment I want to use (sterile water epidural) is "risky" and "not guaranteed". Well, yes. So are epidurals in labor, but I don't hear anybody refusing them to laboring women on those criteria. The sterile water treatment has been used since the early 1900's to good effect for people with debilitating back pain.

It will all go away if I lose weight (according to my doctor). The depression, the anxiety, the back pain. I asked for antidepressants a while back and he told me to exercise. Fuck. Tell me how I'm supposed to exercise when just standing on my feet feels like I'm being stabbed in the lower back and down the backs of my legs? Just work through it? There is no working through it.

Eat less? No shit. Then I'll be hungry and in pain, which makes me just incredibly great and patient as a parent. I pass up going out with friends, taking Freyja out to play or to do anything fun with her because of this pain.

Yet I keep bitching and doing nothing. I can't work as a doula effectively with this pain either. I just can't motivate myself and I don't want anybody else to motivate me. I don't think I'm worth motivating, so all the pep talks in the world do nothing. I'm not looking for sympathy. People tell me all the time how great of a person I am, I just don't believe them (especially when I'm in a downswing).

I feel like a 15 year old trying to play at being grown up. I don't know what to base my self worth on. Next week I'll probably feel better and wonder why I wrote this. Is this what bipolar is, or am I just some kind of freak? Should I go back to therapy? Find a different regular doctor?

I think I need a hug.