Taking It Easy

Due to my high blood pressure, midwife wants me to "take it easy" until my next appointment, which is Monday with the OB who is overseeing my VBAC.

Easier than usual? To be honest, my hips and pelvis hurt so much that between fetching meals and snacks for Freyja and myself, going to the bathroom, and occasionally unloading the dishwasher or switching laundry loads, my butt stays in the recliner. Then every evening I do some of the spinningbabies.com postures to attempt to make up for the time in the recliner. From what I can tell, the baby is happily right occiput anterior, so I must be doing something correctly. Left occiput anterior is the end-all-be-all of optimal fetal presentation, but I'll take what I can get.

I'm not sure how much "easier" I can take it without becoming comatose. My blood pressure remains high, but I have zero other symptoms of pre-eclampsia. I'm still wearing my rings and I still have ankles. I am not at all puffy (erm...puffier than usual). In theory, we are still "only" talking pregnancy-induced hypertension (because my blood pressure is shockingly normal when I'm not incubating another human life).

I'm supposed to lie on my left side a lot. I have a stupid uncomfortable couch and a three year old who requires constant supervision just due to her age. She is good about playing independently, which is nice for me - but I can't just hole up in my bedroom while she has run of the rest of the house. Let me tell you that this is probably not going to happen much. Comfortably ensconced in the recliner is the best I can hope for. I might be able to swing 15 min out of an hour on my left side on the couch. Any longer and I'd fall asleep. Not a good thing.

Off to meditate before sleep and see if that helps the blood pressure any.

One calendar month til my due date.

Take a Letter, Maria - Final

Dr. SoNSo:

I’m writing to you today to let you know about an experience I had in your front office on Wednesday, May 2, 2007. I had called on Monday, April 30 to schedule an appointment for my daughter, Freyja LastName (birthdate 8/27/04). She has a corn or plantar wart on her little toe. I spoke to M, who scheduled the appointment for me with no problems.

On that morning, A from your office called and spoke to my husband, saying that Freyja had no insurance (which I was aware of, it had lapsed and is in the process of being renewed) and that I needed to bring “paperwork” with me to the office visit. I had no paperwork other than a letter from DHS requesting that I send them a copy of Freyja’s birth certificate.

When we arrived at the office for the appointment, I was told by A that you would not see Freyja unless she had proof of insurance or “paperwork” that said it was in progress. This had not been mentioned on the phone. While I understand that YourPracticePC is a private practice and has the right to refuse service to anyone they like, Medicaid/Healthy Kids covers 3 months retroactively and the visit would have fallen under that. I wasn’t even asked if I would pay up front, just dismissed because of “no insurance”. Is this a new policy for your office? I would understand if we were new patients, but Freyja is well established and has been coming to your office for her primary care since her four month well child visit.

Freyja was very upset, (and I wasn’t pleased myself) as she was looking forward to seeing you. I know that may seem kind of silly, but we’re delighted that she likes and looks forward to seeing her health care provider. We are moving to ThatTown soon and had planned to continue coming to ThisTown for Freyja’s primary care, but if we are going to be treated poorly because we happen to be in a lower economic bracket we may have to rethink that decision.

The YourPracticePC website states “From the first time you walk in our doors or call us on the phone, we want you to know that you come first. While others say they are doing it, we are. Whether it is a friendly greeting by our staff or a “real person” answering the phone or listening to your concerns, ourpracticePC is putting patients first. We want you to know that we value having you as our patient.” Is this indeed the case? We don’t feel very valued right now.

If you would like to call me to discuss this matter, you may reach me at phonenumber1 during the day and phonenumber2 in the evenings.

Sincerely,

Heather LastName

Since his office is an offshoot of a larger practice group, he gets a letter, his office manager gets a letter, and the central admin office gets a letter.

Denied.

Freyja has a corn on her toe. On Monday, I talked to her doctor's office and made an appointment for today since a pumice stone hasn't helped. They called this morning to tell me that she doens't have insurance. I'm aware of this - I just faxed in the last of the endless paperwork (since Congress now needs to make sure every person getting medical help is a valid citizen, you know) to get her re-approved for HealthyKids (medicaid). She was up for renewal, her caseworker sent me a paper that said "send this crap in" yet didn't tell me what it was for and never returned my call, so it ended up lapsing. They only spoke to Kerwin (who has no clue about how any of it works), and wanted me to bring "paperwork" in with me. I had no idea what "paperwork" they meant, since they didn't specify so I didn't bring anything.

They refused to see her, since she didn't have "current insurance". The new MA who was manning the front desk was snide and had the air of "take your government tit-sucking ass out of my office". I explained that Medicaid covers 3 months retroactively, so what was the big deal? Well, there's no "proof" that she'll be covered and it's "too much hassle" to see uninsured people, since they "rarely get paid".

It was only a corn on her toe, but Freyja LOVES her doctor and was looking forward to seeing him today. I told her we had to go home and she screamed "I WANT DR. GREG TO LOOK AT MY CORN TOE!!!" and started crying. Boy, did I feel like a jerk - except why should I? Has our medical system become that broken that they won't see children who need health care? It's a private practice. They do have the right to refuse service to anyone - but Freyja is an established patient, not some unknown new person. What if she had been really sick, like with a high fever or something?

On one hand, I can see their reasoning. On the other, that MA was a royal bitch. The MA's there are usually very nice and never have talked down to me. I don't know what I should do - wait for her insurance confirmation to come back and make the appointment again? Find a new office - maybe an FQHC so they CAN'T refuse her service? Write a firmly-worded letter to the doctor to let him know my displeasure? Frankly, I'm disgusted.

If they told you, you would cry.

For the April Pulsate Olympics, sponsored by GNM parents. Wow, that feels dirty. :D

Both of my parents are still living. This really should come as no surprise - I'm young (26) and they had me when they were in their early twenties. My dad just turned 50 this past year, my mom is 48.

My dad has some serious health issues. He's a type-2 diabetic and he has congestive heart failure. He's had one heart attack at 43, followed by a triple bypass. He has high cholesterol and high blood pressure. He works 40+ hours a week at a physical job (he's an electrician - does installs of radios on police cars, buses, ambulances, etc, and maintains equipment at various 911 call centers and law enforcement and dispatch facilities). He has a 15% chance of living until he's 60. I get my love of reading, my tendency to question everything, and my temper from him.

He used to be a real asshole and probably could have been considered physically abusive - he and I are a lot alike and butted heads constantly, and instead of walking away like an adult should when faced with a mouthy child and teenager over something trivial, he let his temper get the best of him and he hit me, usually a slap across the face if he could reach, and whatever he could reach if not. And if he ever reads this (I have no idea if he does), I am going to get the biggest guilt trip in the universe. I'm not saying that I was completely innocent, because I was a mouthy little shit once I hit puberty (which is when he morphed into asshole dad). They should have disciplined me differently as a young child - I was indulged and allowed to get away with a lot. As far as I know he's never laid a hand on my mother, nor on my brother. I guess I was just special.

He's mellowed considerably. Now when he acts like a jackass (much less often) I just ignore him. If he hasn't learned any better, I have. He's so incredibly patient and gentle with Freyja that it's like a complete turnaround. She is grandpa's girl for sure. It's still really hard to trust that he won't lose his temper with her, though. He probably doesn't realize it, but I always brush off his offers to babysit if my mom won't be there. I just can't take that step and I don't know if I'll ever be able to. Again, Dad, if you're reading this - I really hope you understand. It's not you, it's me.

My mom has some health issues too. She has degenerative disk disease and arthritic knees, high cholesterol and triglycerides, and high blood pressure. She also works full time, on her feet. She's a pharmacy technician and as much as she bitches about it I know she loves her job. She's looking at her 20 year anniversary soon. The woman gets 6 weeks of paid time off every year, between vacation and personal time. She spends the majority of the time on home improvement projects or with Freyja (the only grandchild thus far). I get my artistic ability, my singing voice, my penchant for sarcasm and my compassion (I do have some, I swear!) from her.

That said, she's also passive-aggressive, overly sensitive, and easy to bait. She goes to church but I'm not really sure she believes, because anytime Kerwin or I mention Paganism, Heathenry, the Pagan roots of any given Christian celebration, you name it, she goes off like a roman candle. She doesn't get that me not attending church is not an insult to her or her parenting. Honestly, I think it's proof that she raised a child who can think for herself, which is a noble and excellent thing.

Growing up, we were lower-middle class until my parents divorced. Then we stayed with my mom, and we were poor. She refused to take any help (oh yeah, I get my overly prideful streak from her, too), and I'm sure there were nights when she didn't eat after working two part time jobs to make ends meet. I have to give my parents credit in that they never used my brother and I as pawns. They had a standard custody arrangement but any time my dad wanted to take us for an extra day or they needed to switch a weekend, they did. There was never any problem with my dad paying child support. He paid what was mandated and took care of other things we needed as well. There was very little, if any, playing one parent against the other.

My dad remarried, divorced, and then my parents got remarried. Yeah, I wonder the point of all of it too. Maybe they both had some growing up to do.

As much as any of that might make me hate my parents, I don't. Sure, I went through that phase when I was a teenager - I think most normal people do - but the real clincher in getting along with my parents and actually liking them was tied to my moving out. My mom and I can talk on the phone for hours and still have a hard time hanging up. My dad and I have bonded through our love of weird trivia and family nostalgia.

I'm terrified of losing my dad to his health conditions before Freyja is old enough to remember him. I'm terrified of my mom getting Alzheimer's like her mom, and not knowing us anymore. I don't want to think of the day when I can't call my dad on my lunch break just to say hi, or call my mom at night to tell her what Freyja did because I know she'll understand. Until then, I just make the memories as I can; for Freyja, and for me.

A Day

Freyja was a holy terror this afternoon. No nap. Cranky. Whiney. Why am I at home? Mostly because she's been acting punk and running random fevers. Also, I have hit a low point again at work and I don't really feel like going in. Wrong of me? Probably. I did manage to work from home about 4 hours yesterday and 3 today. Hopefully the malaise will have lifted by tomorrow, I can't get away with staying out of the office for three days in a week.

Anyway, back to the holy terror. I still let her fingerpaint this afternoon. She wanted to dye eggs (we picked up a kit at Target today), but I drew the line there - the way she's been listening I would have had a rainbow kitchen, and not in a good way. I just didn't have the patience for the boiling and the fizzing and the stains.

I suggested she fingerpaint, and I'd cut egg shapes out of her paper. This seemed to appease her, and she happily painted six or seven sheets of paper. Some even stayed recognizable colors. I stuck them to the fridge as she finished each one. We had a good time. I bet most moms have good times every day with their children - I find myself yelling, screaming and unable to enjoy the essence of two-and-a-half lately, most days I don't enjoy Freyja or have good times with her as a rule. I'm sure this is something I'm doing wrong.

Then we went to play outside. It was too nice to stay in. Besides, the fingerpaintings had to dry. I had plans for them. It was bubbles, bubbles everywhere. She rode her "scootah". She slid down her baby slide. I sat on the trunk of our car thats' been dead for over a year (yes, we DO live in a trailer park, thanks for asking) as she ran around, pretending she was riding her scootah to Mickey D's. Yes, we eat at the trans-fat, HCFS palace way too often. My overlarge ass is proof. When I was ready to go inside, she kept going back to the slide, the scootah, the sidewalk chalk for "a minute". I finally had to pick her up, cart her inside, and stick her in her room while she was screaming bloody murder.

I used the two minute timeout to cut the eggs out from the dried fingerpaintings. Never let it be said that I cannot multitask. I taped them up in one of our windows, but wanted something with more panache. I was going to cut letters out, but then I remembered I had some tempera laying around from Freyja's birthday cupcakes (I made a cupcake stand). With a few tricks from MS Word, I had a little backwards cheat sheet and I painted "Happy Spring" on the window below the fingerpainted eggs while Freyja screamed her head off next to my chair that she wanted to paint too.

And now I should go persuade her to eat some preservative-laden macaroni and cheese (that I will add frozen peas to) so she can go to bed, since she's running around the house screaming with princess sunglasses on upside down and lamb ears from the Target dollar section on her head...

Pictures of the window:

Real Moms...

Kat tagged me for this MeMe.

Real moms...

...happily admit their children are driving them insane.
...strike up a conversation with the other mom at the playground who looks like she's about to lose it, too.
...find that talking to other real moms makes them feel better.
...aren't afraid to lay down the law when necessary.
...sometimes agree to extra chocolate sprinkles, even on breakfast cereal.
...don't play the mommy guilt game.
...love dancing in the rain as much as their toddlers do.
...don't let other real moms play the mommy guilt game.
...have useful advice or funny anecdotes on everything, from vitamin Z to potty training.
...bring their kids onto campus if they must, and use iPhoto to entertain them.

Spoiled

So I got tix for DD and DH to go to see Monsters, INC on ICE today. They went, she apparently sat still through the entire thing and loved it - cool - DH then calls me back and says, "Ok, well now we're at the Zoo."

"Huh?" (Our zoo is small, and free in the winter months.)

"Yeah, we were driving by the zoo and I said, 'hey, the zoo! and she said 'oooh, I wanta see da tiger! I not too tired!' so we stopped. We're going to take a quick run through the zoo and see the tiger and then we'll be home."

I'm laughing by this point. Is there any wonder she likes him more than me right now? He's the fun parent. I would have said "No, it's nap time, we don't' get to do everything we want to." Maybe I need to be more fun.

Diego and the Wonder Pets

Why is it that when I mention my trip to San Diego, Freyja looks at me and asks "You goin' uppa kye to Diego? You gonna see Diego, you gonna see Baby Jaguar? I wanna go wif you, me too in airpane, uppa kye wif you see Diego too?"

Thank you, Nick JR. Thank you, daycare. I know they don't watch that much TV there (the state limits them to 2 hours/day), and I don't really care that she watches TV - she plays and then watches a couple minutes and then wanders off, but DAMN are those shows annoying when daycare is closed and Mumma is stuck at home with her all day. No more Nick. I think I like Playhouse Disney programming better.

Has anybody else been subjected to the Wonder Pets? What's up with the duckling having a lisp?

All this drivel makes me long for the Electric Company and classic Sesame Street. Maybe even Pinwheel, the Polka Dot Door, and Mr. Rodger's Neighborhood.

I Want to Love You Madly

You crawled into our bed at 5am today. I heard "Daddy, I gotta go potty!" and then I dozed back off. I woke up a few minutes later to eskimo kisses and "I love you too, Mumma. You go back-a-seep, OK? I gonna cuddle wif you, OK?"

Little one, if you only knew what those little charming exchanges do for me. They give me fire in my belly, awaken the fierce and protecting mama who has to save and protect your innocent sweetness from the harsh, cruel world. They make me snuggle up to you, cuddle you close, tangle my fingers in your silky baby curls and pray, beg for the world to stop and hold still forever and let me keep you close to me just as you are. They don't last, those moments.

When I came back from the potty myself, you patted the quarter of my pillow you weren't occupying. "You yay down, wight heah. Wight heah, Mumma."

"Wight heah, Mumma."

My darling girl, I never want to be anywhere else.