Downcycling

I'm not even sure that's an appropriate word for me to use, since I've only been diagnosed with depression (minor episode, recurring, with aspects of Seasonal Affective Disorder), but I notice when things are worse. The depression diagnosis doesn't explain the occasional 2-3 week periods of being upbeat (I wouldn't call them manic, I don't lose control, I just feel...normal), periods I don't even notice until I start slipping back into the depressive state.

I put off rescheduling my therapy appointment for 2 weeks because I felt good. Then a friend remarked that I must be "so excited" since I'm heading to California in a few weeks for a conference, and I realized that no, I'm not really excited at all. I'm ambivialent. I'm going, I have to go, but I'm not looking forward to it nor am I dreading it.

That made me realized that I had started to feel bad again, so I called today to make an appointment. Obviously that is not the proper way to go about things. I don't even know how to approach this with my therapist. I don't want to look like that nutjob who diagnoses herself on the internet. There's got to be a better explanation than "minor depression, recurring" for the 2-3 weeks of upbeat moods and the 8-10 weeks of being so far down that I wish I would just not wake up in the morning, that life is not worth living, that i'm a terrible wife, a terrible mother, and that the husband and the spawn deserve so much better than me. I should probably find a way to admit to my therapist that yes, I do have thoughts of death and dying, but as scary as those thoughts are, they are not as scary as the prospect of being admitted to an inpatient treatment program. I am afraid that even if I refuse being admitted should it be suggested, they will petition and force me in. I spent two days in one before, and I have never felt more hopeless and frightened in my life.

I think I may need pharmacological therapy in addition to talk therapy. The SJW is just not cutting it any longer.

Amazing Weekend

I think the title says it all. This was a great, if busy, weekend. I worked an outreach event on Saturday morning. Saturday afternoon, we took Freyja to Trick or Treat at my Grandma's nursing home. She was a cute little witch! On Saturday evening, Kerwin helped our friends Ron and Lori fix their brakes. Well, he helped Ron. Lori and I stayed inside, ate Red Lentil Soup, and wrangled our respective spawn. We played a few hands of cutthroat cribbage spiked with tequila after the kids went to bed and that was a lot of fun. I'd been thinking for a long time that DH and I needed couple friends.

Sunday, Freyja and I just lolled around the house during the day, and in the evening we had our Samhain ritual with Pagan Familes and Friends of West Michigan (and saw Ron, Lori, and the kids again).

Life is okay, considering it's getting to be winter. I'm still struggling with SAD and wishing I knew how to better cope with it.