Never mind, then.

My mom came to get Freyja and I decided to take a little nap while I still could.

Yep, the second I laid down everything stopped except the pelvic pressure. I don't get it, b/c I was up and moving around, cooking, doing laundry, getting a few last things together and they didn't stop then, did they?

I am really frustrated right now, going on two weeks of prodromal labor with nothing to show for it. I hope that my cervix is at least changing.

Bad Idea

Remind me never to meditate before going to sleep ever again.

I just woke up from a dream that's left me really shaken - shaken enough to have to get up, check the news, check the phone, check that Freyja is where she's supposed to be. I stopped short of calling Kerwin at work, but if I can't get back to sleep in a half hour or so, I might call him anyway.

I have a cup of tea.

I don't have nightmares often. The dream just started out as odd, but then I got mad about something pretty inconsequential during a family party (I believe I chewed a younger cousin out about how HER religion wasn't the only one in existence, so would she please shut up) . I went outside to take a breather and calm down, and all of a sudden people start pouring out of the house, looking for their family members and their belongings. Something about seventeen people being shot on the floor of a slaughterhouse not far from where we were, and the news said the apocalypse was upon us.

I couldn't find Freyja. I couldn't find Kerwin. I couldn't find my socks. It was dark and they had turned out all the lights in the house, the light switches wouldn't work. Why I was worried about my socks is beyond me. I went into my mom's room (who knows why dream logic works) and got a pair of socks. She coudln't find hers either, so I handed her a pair. She kept screaming something over and over, and I couldn't understand her. As soon as I put the socks on (they were either 60's flower power flowers or stripes...I don't remember which pair I gave my mom), I woke up.

My heart was racing. I had to get up and turn lights on, check on things.

I don't remember the last time I had a serious nightmare bad enough to make me get up out of bed, make a cup of tea, and long desperately for someone to talk to at a quarter to five in the morning.

Taking It Easy

Due to my high blood pressure, midwife wants me to "take it easy" until my next appointment, which is Monday with the OB who is overseeing my VBAC.

Easier than usual? To be honest, my hips and pelvis hurt so much that between fetching meals and snacks for Freyja and myself, going to the bathroom, and occasionally unloading the dishwasher or switching laundry loads, my butt stays in the recliner. Then every evening I do some of the spinningbabies.com postures to attempt to make up for the time in the recliner. From what I can tell, the baby is happily right occiput anterior, so I must be doing something correctly. Left occiput anterior is the end-all-be-all of optimal fetal presentation, but I'll take what I can get.

I'm not sure how much "easier" I can take it without becoming comatose. My blood pressure remains high, but I have zero other symptoms of pre-eclampsia. I'm still wearing my rings and I still have ankles. I am not at all puffy (erm...puffier than usual). In theory, we are still "only" talking pregnancy-induced hypertension (because my blood pressure is shockingly normal when I'm not incubating another human life).

I'm supposed to lie on my left side a lot. I have a stupid uncomfortable couch and a three year old who requires constant supervision just due to her age. She is good about playing independently, which is nice for me - but I can't just hole up in my bedroom while she has run of the rest of the house. Let me tell you that this is probably not going to happen much. Comfortably ensconced in the recliner is the best I can hope for. I might be able to swing 15 min out of an hour on my left side on the couch. Any longer and I'd fall asleep. Not a good thing.

Off to meditate before sleep and see if that helps the blood pressure any.

One calendar month til my due date.

As If Being Sick Wasn't Enough

I had to call Poison Control this evening at my folks'.

My mom left the bottle of cough/cold medicine out on the counter, and Freyja decided she had a headache and would help herself to it. Somehow she managed to remove a child-proof top and administered herself an unknown amount, but less than 2 ounces, of Triaminic Nighttime Cough and Cold medicine while the rest of us were in the living room. As far as I knew, she went out to the kitchen to get a drink from her cup of water that was out there and came back 30 seconds later saying "I took three medicines."

The lovely calm woman on the other end of the line did some calculations for me and said we probably have nothing to worry about, told me how she'd probably behave, and said she'd call back in about four hours to see how we were doing (that part, she said, is protocol).

Well, Freyja acted spot on to what the call center woman said - she sucked down about 24 oz of water, ate some dinner, got mouthy and belligerent, and then fell asleep on the ride home.

The woman did indeed call back, Freyja is still sleeping but had given Kerwin a hard time when she roused and he was sitting near her (the nerve!) on the couch. That was a good sign. She's responsive, if I tickle her nose with her hair she brushes it away.

The only two times I've had to call poison control is b/c it didn't cross anybody's mind there (including mine) to marginally childproof their kitchen. I'm not talking bumpers on everything, I'm talking cupboard locks on undersink cabinets and making sure to put medicine WAY up out of reach. Basic safeguards, because as much as you'd like not to, sometimes you have to look away from a child.

The first time she poured a bunch of jet dry out and ended up with minor chemical burns on her knees. I don't even remember what I was doing then - I was probably in the bathroom. My mom is overly sensitive and when I mentioned this there were tears and drama, and I was "blaming" her for everything. The locks should have been installed on the old cabinets then. I should have done it myself. It still wouldn't have helped today, though.

Well, there will be cabinet locks installed the next time I'm over there as a precaution. They should have been done when the new cabinets were put in. I know that this is mostly my fault, I should be more vigilant about making sure there's nothing potentially dangerous sitting out on the counters there. I feel like a failure as a parent. I know things like this happen, but apparently I now need to be up Freyja's butt 24/7, at least over there.

But I'd also like to know how in hell my 3 year old managed to open a freakin childproof bottle. I can't even manage to open them all of the time.

Holy Snowstorm, Batman!

My GOODNESS.

A drive that normally takes 20 minutes or so in good weather took about an hour tonight. That was on the highway. I can't begin to think how long it might have taken on the back roads.

You see, instead of sending the plows out the moment there's 2-3 inches of snow on the ground, the idiot road commissions in our area wait. I don't know how they decide, but I'd guess this is close:

"Wal now, Bert, d'ya think we should send the plows out now?"
"I dunno, Jim. I got that four-wheel drive and I'm not going to have any trouble getting through this snow."
"Whut about them folks with them tiny little economy cars?"
"Wal, shoot, Jim. That's their fault, ain't it, for not having the right kind of vee-hickle for this sort of a climate? Waste of time and gas sending these here plows out. Just not in the public innerest."

Then they wonder why there are so many slide-offs and accidents during the next morning's rush hour.

As someone with a tiny little economy car, the county road commissions can kiss my butt. We have to deal with 2-3 of them on a daily basis because of the odd location we live in.

The maintenance woman in our trailer park also thinks she doesn't have to plow in the park on the weekends. The crap we had to gun our little tiny Prism through this past weekend was just atrocious. Guess what, lady? You raised my lot rent AGAIN. You can get your ass out of bed and plow my road.

Oh, and Happy Birthday to my mom. Love you mom!

Ow?

I have a zit on my bum. I realize this happens from time to time. However, it is one of those nasty bright red, hard and hot ones. You know, the sort that are nigh impossible to pop so I can put myself out of my misery?

And it hurts to sit on a hard surface.

Why, at a time when the skin on my face looks relatively fabulous, has the skin on my bum gone haywire?

And to add insult to injury, the underwire just popped on the last bra I have that fits. The rest are all too small in the cups or have sustained similar underwire injuries.

I am going to fucking cry now. When you have boobs as big as mine, bras are not cheap nor plentiful. And I have no money.

Dear Idiot Child

To the Idiot Child Driving the Green Pickup Truck;
4:52 PM, December 10, 2007
Apple Drive and 144th, Nunica, MI

Please go directly to the Secretary of State's office and surrender your licence, if you even have one. The purpose of a stop sign is so that you STOP, look BOTH WAYS, and then WAIT if there is traffic coming before proceeding across the intersection. You seem to think a stop sign means to slow down, then drive slowly across the intersection, causing motorists with right of way to attempt to brake with less than 50 yards between you and them. Thank goodness the roads were not icy. If talking to your friend or adjusting your radio is more important than keeping your eyes on the road that you barely glanced in my direction as I laid on the horn for those 50 yards, you shouldn't be on the road. Period.

Since you have obviously not learned such a fundamental driving law, you don't deserve to be on the road. You almost got yourself t-boned today. You probably would have been all right, since I drive a tiny Geo Prism. My daughter and I may not have been so lucky. I don't think you want lives on your conscience at 16 or 17.

Driving is a priveldge, not a right. If I knew how to contact your parents, I would. I hope for your sake you did notice how close you came to a serious accident today and talk to your parents about it. They should think twice before allowing you back on the road.

Sunday Ramblings Redux

I'm trying to do all of my holiday shopping for extended family on the money I have in paypal. My folks offered to help us out. They don't want anything back, but I just don't want to let them if I don't have to. I know I shouldn't be so prideful.

Gosh, it's hard. With me not working, though, it's what we can spare. I love Etsy for this. It's only the men I'm having trouble with. I just finished up two aunts and two cousins with a couple of Etsy purchases! Thankfully, we draw names on both sides so there aren't too many presents to buy. It looks like I'll have $$ left over, so hopefully I can find something cute for Freyja, too. It might not be the almighty Giraffe Tent, but it'll be something.

I enjoy shopping and finding that perfect thing, and being funds-limited just makes it more of a challenge. I'm trying to keep thinking of it that way - challenging, instead of pathetic. We'll at least keep up appearances for the family, though I don't know if Freyja is going to get much of anything from us at all. This is the first year she's really been excited about giving and getting presents, and all of hers will probably be from Grandma.

I know I shouldn't be so upset about a commercialized holiday, but I am. There, I admit it. I love Christmas and I hate being unemployed so our Christmas is going to suck. Kerwin doesn't want me to call the Salvation Army or Toys for Tots or anything like that to see about getting Freyja some presents, either. We've given to those and other similar programs for the past two years - and we will next year if things are better - I don't see the problem in utilizing something like this just this once.

Other than that, we're pretty broke. Kerwin and I have been fighting pretty much non-stop and I'm stressed close to the breaking point which I know can't be that good for the baby. I think he thinks that I'm trying to stay unemployed on purpose, at least that's the feeling I get. Yeah. I like worrying about paying bills and buying groceries. That's SO my idea of a good time.

I've applied for many jobs, I've been told my resume doesn't suck by some people I trust on that, and yet there are no calls. I'm going to head down to Goodwill, Manpower, and a few other agencies this week to see if there's anything they have listed that I qualify for. Temp work would be good right now anyway, considering I don't know how easy it's going to be to convince anyone to hire someone who's 4 months pregnant and will be going on maternity leave in early May anyway.

If you made it through this much of my whining, I thank you.

Goodbye, GG.

The funeral was yesterday, and it was nice. Nice seems like a shallow descriptor, but it's the only one I can come up with right now.

I slipped the "Fuck Cancer" cross-stitch I made into the casket, because she loved it.

The homily had to do with faith and how Grandma lived hers by loving her family and taking care of the people around her. No altar calls, no come to Jesus if you loved Grandma talks, which I know Kerwin and I appreciated. My mom was amused by the two of us singing bass and alto on all the hymns without hymnals in our hands. She thought it was funny that the only people who knew all the words and harmony lines without the hymnals are, in fact, "godless heathens" (she DOES know about Paganism, she was just giving us crap).

Freyja did really well, she was quiet and she drew some pictures during the service.

It's over

My grandma passed on at 3:30 this afternoon.

The funeral is on Wednesday.

I'm doing OK, just weepy and upset. She was a wonderful lady and we are going to miss her a lot.

My Grandma is Dying

She had stomach cancer, had her whole stomach removed two years ago. Now it is back, and after an agressive chemo treatment a few weeks ago she has gotten steadily worse.

We spent the better part of the night at the hospital, then came to my folks about 5 am to try and get some sleep when nothing was changing. She's on oxygen, but is do not rescusitate in her orders.

My dad and his siblings, and some more of the family (who didn't have a cranky 3 yo to deal with) saw the internist this morning and they have said there is nothing more they can do for her, and all we can do is wait.

They may be moving her to hospice, but we don't know about that yet.

I'm the oldest grandchild and Grandma and I are pretty close. Freyja is beside herself and keeps telling us she doesn't want GG to die. I just tell her that sometimes our bodies become so broken that we can't live anymore, but if she loves GG, GG will never really leave her b/c she'll be in her heart. She seems satisifed with that, but it's so hard to watch your 3 yo cry b/c someone she loves is dying. There are seven other grandchildren and two more great grands, and lots of other family who will miss a funny, caring, loving lady.

An Open Letter, Vol III (I think)

Dear Muskegon Target;

When you're closing one store to open another, you may find that the merchandise moves faster if you discount it. There's no way I'm going to pay full price for those 500 thread count sheets still left on your shelf, but had you discounted them I might. If you knock everything in the store down to 50% off I'm guessing whatever you have left will be gone before you close next Tuesday. Just sayin'.

Good move putting the expensive chocolate on 30% off, though. I did avail myself of a few bars. The Chocolove Candied Ginger and 65% Dark Chocolate bar? I'm one happy preggo.

But think about the discount, will you?

Kisses,

Heather

Skillz 2 pay da billz

K assures me he has them.

Even IF, he says, I don't get a new job, we can still pay the bills! He's done the budget! If we get WIC and Food Stamps and Medicaid. To me, that is not paying the bills. That is continuing to suck off the tit when we really don't need to.

He seems to think I should be overjoyed at this. I do not want the meaningless trailer park existence nor do I particularly WANT to stay home with my spawn. All day. Because we won't be able to afford the gas to go anywhere or do anything fun. Being a stay at home mom is only cool when you have the $$ to do the things you want to do.

I would much rather work. Work. Earn money. Pay off debts. Pay off the trailer. Buy a real house with a real yard with room for spawnlings to run and play. Enjoy my spawnlings on the weekends and the evenings.

Staying home and having to watch every penny does not sound like anything I want to do. It will most certainly NOT be better for my children because vitamin Z won't even help me out of the low feeling like a non-contributor will put me in. K can try to tell me that being with the kids is the most important contribution, but when he's the one stuck at home with no adult interaction, trying to keep a toddler and a newborn quiet all day because Daddy works 3rd shift and is sleeping...well...maybe he'd get my reluctance.

I hate the feeling of not having any money in my pocket and having to ask The Husband for anything I want or need, having to justify new shampoo, or new underwear, or this cute outfit I saw for the baby. I had enough of that during Freyja's first year. Maybe if he were making double or treble what he does and could "pay" me for staying home then I'd be OK with staying at home, but the way things are now, I just can't fathom it.

And of course, because I think it's better for me to work and send my kids to daycare, I'm a Bad Evil Mommy for doing what's right for my family.

Fuck it all, I'm doing what I think is right, and to hell with what anyone else outside the family thinks.

Yes, Virginia, You Can Have a VBAC...

...if you have private insurance!

I've called six practices and none of them are taking new patients with medicaid. One will take them with referrals, so if I can get my midwife to refer me (she knows I want a VBAC) I should be able to go with that one. The only issue is that two of their docs don't take medicaid at all, and they're the two - you guessed it - most likely to allow VBAC.

I love being poor. All my decisions are made for me and I just have to sit back and let the state decide what's best for me! Just WONDERFUL!

Stress

Not only have I missed my appointments, we've had car issues, plumbing issues, our air conditioner is starting to crap out, I still don't have a new oven knob, and my inlaws are coming to stay this weekend. Add that to vitamin Z not really being useful for bipolar, and I am one tense, moody chick.

I wish I could get some xanax or something without looking like a drug seeker. *sigh*

Mah Outlook, it trix me...

What is this nonsense? Two appointments I've been an hour late for in the past week and had to reschedule, and all because Microsuck's Outlook seems to be having a little hissy fit and not leaving my appointments where I schedule them!

sleepy

What is it about traveling even short distances? I went about 90 miles away this week for a training. What in hell am I tired from? Sitting on my butt in a classroom for 2 days, sleeping in a ghetto Holiday Inn, and driving 180 miles?

Crummy Day

We were supposed to go to the beach today, and then have a cookout. I haven't seen my best friend in weeks. We had plans.

Freyja refused to take a nap. Flat out refused. Threw herself around. Acted up. Jumped on the bed. I told her "If you don't take a nap, we don't go to the beach."

She still acted up.

So here we sit. Maybe most parents would have backed down on that, gone to the beach anyway.

I can't. She's a monster lately. Nothing we do or say has any bearing on her behaviour. I had to stick to my guns, even though I'm missing out on my fun, too.

It sucks to be a mom today.

An Open Letter, Part Deux

Dear Women's Clothing Industry,

I know it is hard to believe, but fat chicks like to swim. Not sit by the pool, not try to cover up all the rolls, chunk, and cellulite you seem to think we should be covering with the ugly-ass bathing suits you have on offer this year, but swim. To do so, we need to not be encumbered by swimsuit skirts that are reaching lengths not seen since the Victorian era. And would it be too much to ask to put some decent support for the girls in there? The half shelf bra with wimpy foam cups is just NOT cutting it here.

Also, please get a reality check on the prices. I just paid $13.84 for my husband's brand new board shorts, and there is more material there than in a lot of womens' suits, yet it was a quarter of the price of many suits I tried on yesterday. What the hell is going on with that? The last bathing suit I purchased was about $25 and I wore it for five years, so it's obvious that I'm not going to get higher quality with the higher prices, unless I'm looking for a competitive swimming suit, which I'm not. To be fair, there were some suits for $17 or so at the Evil Store, but they were ugly.

I did purchase a suit yesterday despite my annoyance with the industry. Wonderful Target came to my rescue as usual. I think $25 is plenty to pay for a swimsuit. I bet a LOT of other women feel the same way.

Get a clue,

Heather

An Open Letter

Dear Moron;

When half of all americans are likely to use food stamps at some point in their lives, it is no longer a welfare queen problem (not like it ever was one), but a shitty economy problem.

Your "tax dollars" are more likely to go to funding that war in the big sandbox and paying for police and fire services to keep you safe than to government aid programs.

Die in a fire.

Heather