Sunday Ramblings Redux

I'm trying to do all of my holiday shopping for extended family on the money I have in paypal. My folks offered to help us out. They don't want anything back, but I just don't want to let them if I don't have to. I know I shouldn't be so prideful.

Gosh, it's hard. With me not working, though, it's what we can spare. I love Etsy for this. It's only the men I'm having trouble with. I just finished up two aunts and two cousins with a couple of Etsy purchases! Thankfully, we draw names on both sides so there aren't too many presents to buy. It looks like I'll have $$ left over, so hopefully I can find something cute for Freyja, too. It might not be the almighty Giraffe Tent, but it'll be something.

I enjoy shopping and finding that perfect thing, and being funds-limited just makes it more of a challenge. I'm trying to keep thinking of it that way - challenging, instead of pathetic. We'll at least keep up appearances for the family, though I don't know if Freyja is going to get much of anything from us at all. This is the first year she's really been excited about giving and getting presents, and all of hers will probably be from Grandma.

I know I shouldn't be so upset about a commercialized holiday, but I am. There, I admit it. I love Christmas and I hate being unemployed so our Christmas is going to suck. Kerwin doesn't want me to call the Salvation Army or Toys for Tots or anything like that to see about getting Freyja some presents, either. We've given to those and other similar programs for the past two years - and we will next year if things are better - I don't see the problem in utilizing something like this just this once.

Other than that, we're pretty broke. Kerwin and I have been fighting pretty much non-stop and I'm stressed close to the breaking point which I know can't be that good for the baby. I think he thinks that I'm trying to stay unemployed on purpose, at least that's the feeling I get. Yeah. I like worrying about paying bills and buying groceries. That's SO my idea of a good time.

I've applied for many jobs, I've been told my resume doesn't suck by some people I trust on that, and yet there are no calls. I'm going to head down to Goodwill, Manpower, and a few other agencies this week to see if there's anything they have listed that I qualify for. Temp work would be good right now anyway, considering I don't know how easy it's going to be to convince anyone to hire someone who's 4 months pregnant and will be going on maternity leave in early May anyway.

If you made it through this much of my whining, I thank you.

The Stars Don't Lie?

I am a great kisser, thank you very much.

Sunday Musings

I get more flowers now that my hubby works 3rd shift loss prevention at a fancy hotel than I ever did before. It has nothing to do with him getting paid more and thus being more able to buy me flowers, it has to do with wedding receptions, museum galas, and political events being held there.

Yes, I get castoff flowers. Today I also got cookies, Godiva chocolates, and Bosc pears, since they used pears in the arrangements for the wedding held at his hotel last night. They are very pretty arrangements, just the kind of thing I might have liked could I have afforded such a fancy fall wedding.

A few weeks ago, he brought home a gorgeous centerpiece of white and pink roses and miniature lilies. I dried about two dozen roses. It smells absolutely divine over by my baker's rack in the kitchen.

I suppose it's nice that he does think about me and bring these castoff flowers home. As a bargain hunter, I can understand his thinking.

All the same, it'd still be nice to get flowers that were intended for me in the first place, at least once in a while.

Goodbye, GG.

The funeral was yesterday, and it was nice. Nice seems like a shallow descriptor, but it's the only one I can come up with right now.

I slipped the "Fuck Cancer" cross-stitch I made into the casket, because she loved it.

The homily had to do with faith and how Grandma lived hers by loving her family and taking care of the people around her. No altar calls, no come to Jesus if you loved Grandma talks, which I know Kerwin and I appreciated. My mom was amused by the two of us singing bass and alto on all the hymns without hymnals in our hands. She thought it was funny that the only people who knew all the words and harmony lines without the hymnals are, in fact, "godless heathens" (she DOES know about Paganism, she was just giving us crap).

Freyja did really well, she was quiet and she drew some pictures during the service.

It's over

My grandma passed on at 3:30 this afternoon.

The funeral is on Wednesday.

I'm doing OK, just weepy and upset. She was a wonderful lady and we are going to miss her a lot.

My Grandma is Dying

She had stomach cancer, had her whole stomach removed two years ago. Now it is back, and after an agressive chemo treatment a few weeks ago she has gotten steadily worse.

We spent the better part of the night at the hospital, then came to my folks about 5 am to try and get some sleep when nothing was changing. She's on oxygen, but is do not rescusitate in her orders.

My dad and his siblings, and some more of the family (who didn't have a cranky 3 yo to deal with) saw the internist this morning and they have said there is nothing more they can do for her, and all we can do is wait.

They may be moving her to hospice, but we don't know about that yet.

I'm the oldest grandchild and Grandma and I are pretty close. Freyja is beside herself and keeps telling us she doesn't want GG to die. I just tell her that sometimes our bodies become so broken that we can't live anymore, but if she loves GG, GG will never really leave her b/c she'll be in her heart. She seems satisifed with that, but it's so hard to watch your 3 yo cry b/c someone she loves is dying. There are seven other grandchildren and two more great grands, and lots of other family who will miss a funny, caring, loving lady.

Don't Sue Me, JKR

For Eden, who asked:

My HP fanfic is archived at The Petulant Poetess.

I've only done drabbles so far, but my fic for the Winter 2007 Severus/Hermione exchange is going to be posted in January, after my recipient gets to read it first. It's entirely possible I could write something else between now and then, as well.

I usually post fic updates on my LiveJournal. Should I be working on my original YA SciFi novel instead? Probably.

Seven Weird Things Meme

It's Thordora's fault.

1) I like my gingerale with a shot of caramel syrup

2) I'm really quiet if I don't know people. This doesn't win me many friends and makes me seem quite standoffish and snobby. I'm not, I'm just afraid that people won't like me. It's all part of having avoidant personality disorder.

3) My nickname around the house in high school was Opera Wench. My dad's friend Doug gave it to me.

4) I like fancy pens and fancy paper. Nothing makes me happier than a Moleskine and a nice pack of Staedtlers or microns. People wishing to be on my good side need do nothing more than come bearing quality stationery.

5) I read voraciously and indiscriminately. I like all kinds of books but I LOVE sci fi and fantasy, badly written and not.

6) I write Harry Potter fanfiction. People have actually read it and thought it was decent.

7) Asparagus is my favorite vegetable.

I'm supposed to pick seven people, but y'all can just do this if you like, and let me know.

No News

Haven't heard back from the folks I interviewed with last week.

I'm either unemployable or bollocks at interviewing.

Grr.

Blog Day for the Mothers' Act

http://www.postpartum.net/take-action.html

800,000 women in the United States will develop a diagnosable perinatal mood disorder this year. Only 15% of them will get any kind of treatment.

If you consider a population of 300 million, that's too many. As a nation, we treat our mothers appallingly. After all, a healthy baby is all that counts, right? It doesn't matter that a mother's body and rights were trampled on to get that healthy baby, does it? Even other mothers turn on each other over how we birth, feed, and care for our babies.

The Mothers' Act is a good start. It provides grants for education about postpartum depression. However, nothing will change until the social stigma of being affected by depression is eradicated.

The stories and voices of perinatal mood disorders are varied. They extend across social, economic, and racial boundaries. It's not just poor women, or white women, or rich women, or black women, or Hispanic women or middle-class women. It's all women.

In a nation that has the most advanced medical technology and the best doctors on the planet, we shame women who need help. "Cheer up!" "Buck up!" "You have a healthy baby, that's all that matters!"

We should be ashamed of ourselves. It's not all that matters.

Assorted Updates

My interview last week went well, at least as far as I could tell. The interviewer and I bonded over a totally off-topic discussion of homebirth and doulas after all the pertinent information was discussed. Hey, anything that will help her remember me!

I should hear about the job by Friday. It's possible that it may be only part-time, but that would be OK as long as I'm still making around what I did with AmeriCorps. It would also cut down on daycare costs!

I'm bringing in a little money here and there with eBay auctions, but I'm losing my mind being at home. Freyja's going to daycare a couple times a week to keep her spot, but neither she nor I are used to being up each other's butt all day. We're still adjusting. Hopefully I'll get this job or another one soon, and she can go back to daycare where I'm sure she has a much more structured day than I could even attempt to give her.

The belly bean is doing fine. I have an appointment next Monday. I'll be 13 weeks, so we should be able to hear the heartbeat. My MW is really good at hunting for it under my fat if I recall correctly from when I was pregnant with Freyja. I had an ultrasound a couple weeks ago, too - I'd scan the picture, but it's not all that exciting - looks like a bean with flippers.

Also, if anyone is crazy enough to want to read my Harry Potter fanfiction, you can check out my livejournal account. I've only done drabbles/100 word so far, but once I finish my fic for an exchange I'm doing, it'll be posted there too. I know there are those of you who think fanfic is scary, so that's all I'll say.

That's about all that's going on around here. Someday soon I'll get back to writing real entries instead of holiday letter-esque updates.

An Interview. I has one.

Wednesday afternoon at three.

I hope they like me, and I hope they like me enough to hire me.

I have seen the future of me not working, and it will only end in tears and insanity. The past two weeks have been more than I can bear. I am not cut out for staying home. I feel resentment toward my husband and child. I indulge in self-loathing. Soon I will have to ask Kerwin for money for something or another, and the last vestiges of my independence will be utterly stripped away.

It isn't, nor will it be, pretty.

So, if you would think of me on Wednesday at three, I would be most appreciative. The job is something I think I would really enjoy. It involves food, cooking, and imparting my wisdom and talent for eating well on a budget to others.

The Man Meme

Via Eden:

1. Who is your man? Kerwin
2. How long have you been together? Five and a half years
3. How long dated? six months
4. How old is your man? just turned 29
5. Who eats more? him
6. Who said “I love you” first? can't remember.
7. Who is taller? him
8. Who sings better? it's a toss-up. We're both classically trained.
9. Who is smarter? probably him, as much as I hate to admit it. Book smarts only. When it comes to other things he's kind of dumb.
10. Whose temper is worse? mine, for sure
11. Who does the laundry? we both do
12. Who takes out the garbage? him
13. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? me
14. Who pays the bills? both of us
15. Who is better with the computer? me
16. Who mows the lawn? him
17. Who cooks dinner? usually me
18. Who drives when you are together? almost universally me
19. Who pays when you go out? depends on who got paid that week
20. Who is most stubborn? me
21. Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? him
22. Whose parents do you see the most? mine!
23. Who kissed who first? he kissed me first
24. Who asked who out? I don't know. We met online.
25. Who proposed? him
26. Who is more sensitive? me
27. Who has more friends? him
28. Who has more siblings? him

Shortbread Love

The craving for shortbread blindsided me about half a hour ago.

It's easy to make, and I had everything, so I made some.

The plan is to eat a piece now and save the rest for later. Somehow I feel that just isn't going to happen. I loooooove shortbread. I did throw the guts of a vanilla bean in there, so it's not completely "authentic", but the dough was good.

Another reason to love shortbread - no eggs, so eating the dough off your fingers, the spoon, or the bowl is completely OK.

Shortbread
1 c. softened butter
1/2 c. fine sugar
2 c. flour (I use 1 c. regular flour and 1 c. corn starch - silky!)

Cream butter and sugar. Add flour a little at a time, until dough is shaggy and easily handled. Either roll out and cut with cookie cutters or pat into a 9x9 pan. Bake at 350 for about 15 min or until "set" and a very light golden. If you used a pan, cut into peices now. Let it cool.

I like to dip into melted chocolate, but whatever floats your boat.

An Open Letter, Vol III (I think)

Dear Muskegon Target;

When you're closing one store to open another, you may find that the merchandise moves faster if you discount it. There's no way I'm going to pay full price for those 500 thread count sheets still left on your shelf, but had you discounted them I might. If you knock everything in the store down to 50% off I'm guessing whatever you have left will be gone before you close next Tuesday. Just sayin'.

Good move putting the expensive chocolate on 30% off, though. I did avail myself of a few bars. The Chocolove Candied Ginger and 65% Dark Chocolate bar? I'm one happy preggo.

But think about the discount, will you?

Kisses,

Heather

Sweets?

I found a sugar cookie mix in the cupboard, but my oven knob is still broken and I haven't gotten a replacement for it yet. I really, really want some cookies. The only sweet stuff I have in the house is ice cream, and I'm too cold to want any ice cream.

Caramel corn sounds good, too - but I don't have any caramel nor do I feel like attempting to make some from scratch.

I'd settle for frozen waffles, but we're out of syrup. Powdered sugar on the waffles is only good if there's butter, and we're out of butter, too.

I need to get a new oven knob and I need to hit the grocery store, obviously. Yet this doesn't solve my immediate problem of wanting something sweet.

Grr.

It's Finished

So I'm done with AmeriCorps.

This presents a small problem, as I must rename my blog. I expect I'll keep the same address, but a new title would be nice.

I'm thinking.

Skillz 2 pay da billz

K assures me he has them.

Even IF, he says, I don't get a new job, we can still pay the bills! He's done the budget! If we get WIC and Food Stamps and Medicaid. To me, that is not paying the bills. That is continuing to suck off the tit when we really don't need to.

He seems to think I should be overjoyed at this. I do not want the meaningless trailer park existence nor do I particularly WANT to stay home with my spawn. All day. Because we won't be able to afford the gas to go anywhere or do anything fun. Being a stay at home mom is only cool when you have the $$ to do the things you want to do.

I would much rather work. Work. Earn money. Pay off debts. Pay off the trailer. Buy a real house with a real yard with room for spawnlings to run and play. Enjoy my spawnlings on the weekends and the evenings.

Staying home and having to watch every penny does not sound like anything I want to do. It will most certainly NOT be better for my children because vitamin Z won't even help me out of the low feeling like a non-contributor will put me in. K can try to tell me that being with the kids is the most important contribution, but when he's the one stuck at home with no adult interaction, trying to keep a toddler and a newborn quiet all day because Daddy works 3rd shift and is sleeping...well...maybe he'd get my reluctance.

I hate the feeling of not having any money in my pocket and having to ask The Husband for anything I want or need, having to justify new shampoo, or new underwear, or this cute outfit I saw for the baby. I had enough of that during Freyja's first year. Maybe if he were making double or treble what he does and could "pay" me for staying home then I'd be OK with staying at home, but the way things are now, I just can't fathom it.

And of course, because I think it's better for me to work and send my kids to daycare, I'm a Bad Evil Mommy for doing what's right for my family.

Fuck it all, I'm doing what I think is right, and to hell with what anyone else outside the family thinks.

Yes, Virginia, You Can Have a VBAC...

...if you have private insurance!

I've called six practices and none of them are taking new patients with medicaid. One will take them with referrals, so if I can get my midwife to refer me (she knows I want a VBAC) I should be able to go with that one. The only issue is that two of their docs don't take medicaid at all, and they're the two - you guessed it - most likely to allow VBAC.

I love being poor. All my decisions are made for me and I just have to sit back and let the state decide what's best for me! Just WONDERFUL!

Can I get a VBAC?

Who knows? There are at least 30 obstetrics practices in the area where we live. I am going to start calling them in a few minutes.

Let's hope I find someone with a good attitude, because I'm not going to listen to some jackass OB who thinks he's God's Gift to medicine tell me I'm too fat to have a vaginal delivery. But, if that's going to be the case, I'd like to find out now so I can just stick with my midwives that I see for well-woman care, and have their overseeing OB do a repeat c-section (he did Freyja's, which was the only thing well-done about her fiasco of a birth).

We've been tossing around the idea of a home birth, but there is just no way we'd be able to afford the midwife's fees, and as much as I know I might like a home birth, the idea of uterine rupture at home where I'm 20 minutes from a hospital and general anesthesia scares the shit out of me. After seeing uterine rupture AT a hospital, I'm not quite sure I can cope with that happening at home. VBAC'ing in the hospital I can handle, even though I know it will most likely be sterile, I'll be on my back, everything draped, bright lights and cold in an OR "just in case".

The statistics are on my side, it's just finding a provider that will "allow" me to "attempt a trial of labor". As soon as the phone finishes charging, I'll start calling and finding out.