The Muse Has Left The Building...

Happy Birthday, Sweet Baby Maeve!

2009-05-07T21:42:00.001-04:00

My baby is one today. She was born by c-section at 9:40pm after a 15 hour trial of labor for VBAC.

This past year has gone really fast - but in a wonderful way.

She is a bright little ray of sunshine, very happy and calm.

Happy birthday, sweet girl. May the year ahead bring you joy.

Equal Pay Day

2009-04-28T13:18:00.001-04:00

April 28, 2009 is Equal Pay Day, the date in 2009 when the average woman's wages finally catches up with those paid to the average man in 2008.

Yeah, you read that correctly.

The average woman in the US has to work an extra 4 months to equal what a man doing the same job earns.

If that woman is a mother, it takes even longer. A single mother, even longer than that. And women of color? They're even further behind.

And with the same resume and qualifications, a mother is 78% less likely to be hired than a non-mother.

Call or write your congressperson and tell them to support the Paycheck Fairness Act.

For more information, check out:

http://www.pay-equity.org/info-time.html

http://www.nwlc.org/fairpay/wagegapoverview2009.html

Stupid Commercials

2009-04-17T03:09:00.001-04:00

There are two commercials on lately that really peeve me.

(no, not the BK commerical with Sir Mix-A-Lot. That one's hilarious.)

First, there's a commercial for Chef Boyardee about how there's a full serving of vegetables in every can. The dad keeps trying to say it, and the mom keeps doing stupid shit like turning on the garbage disposal, banging pots and pans, etc, to keep the pwecious widdle bwoy from hearing that there might be VEGETABLES in his food.

Fuck me sideways. For one thing, tomato sauce, IMO, does not freaking count as a "vegetable". For another thing, my kids eat vegetables. They love them. They can't be the only children on the face of the planet who do. If I were to serve my kids something as disgusting as Chef Boyardee, you can bet they're having a nice side of steamed broccoli with it, and liking every second of it.

Second, is a Verizon commercial for their new "Hub" phone - it's a PDA on steroids. There are a couple cute commercials featuring this new product - one with a teen shopping for prom dresses, for example - funny.

But one of the commercials features a mom cooking paella. She's looking at the recipe on the souped up phone thing, and then uses it to send her family a text message about Paella night at 7pm!! Whoo! Her 16 year old son video messages her back:

"Mom, I don't know what pah-ella is, but I'm not eating it. Ever".

So this idiot, stereotypical, family-pleaser woman picks up the phone and orders PIZZA for her ungrateful little shit of a son. Are you fucking kidding me?

Can I tell you what would happen at my house? (we'll leave out that I'd never make paella b/c I'm not a seafood fan) 16 year old would be making himself a peanut butter sandwich or pouring himself some cereal. Or, he can go get a job and buy his own pizza.

I'd ask if there are people out there who actually do this - cater to their kids like mini-royalty - but since the advertising is there to pander to them, there must be.

A lot of people are interested in how much AmeriCorps sucks, apparently...

2009-04-08T20:00:00.003-04:00

This post

http://amerimama.blogspot.com/2007/05/americorps-sucks-i-hate-americorps.html

Has generated a lot of interest, discussion, and vitriol.

Due to a lot of the comments, I started a YUKU board. People seem to want and need somewhere to talk about their National Service experiences and expectations.

http://theserviceexperience.yuku.com

Still Alive!

2008-07-18T11:20:00.005-04:00

Yes, I still exist!

We're still adjusting to having two spawnlings around here, although Maeve is a delightfully mellow baby. I just haven't had much to write about beyond spawnlings, and although motherhood has been a big part of this blog I don't want it to be the only part. Other people have done it, and probably better than I.

I've been writing HP fanfiction as well, and getting up the gumption to redo the outline on the YA Sci-Fi novel I've had kicking around in my head.

If anybody's interested in reading the HP fanfiction I've written, I'm archived a couple of places:

http://community.livejournal.com/grangersnape100/tag/voxangelus

http://www.thepetulantpoetess.com/viewuser.php?uid=10622

Some of it is smut, if that tickles your fancy.

I hope to be back soon, with more interesting content!

Listen, you pervert

2008-06-25T14:35:00.002-04:00

I have half a mind to report people who are searching for "child naked" "naked child" "naked kid" to their ISP's. I think I will.

Fucking perverts.

Hermione Granger, The Pirate Queen

2008-06-14T00:48:00.001-04:00

Download and listen here

A filk is new words written to a preexisting song - it's a fandom thing.

Hehe.

Happily Ever After

2008-06-11T03:05:00.003-04:00

I will marry Severus Snape.

After a wild honeymoon, We will settle down in Munich in our fabulous House.

We will have 6 kid(s) together.

Our family will zoom around in a black Escalade.

I will spend my days as a princess, and live happily ever after.

It's a Damn Good Thing its Not 1930

2008-06-09T10:55:00.001-04:00

As a 1930s wife, I am
Very Poor (Failure)

Take the test!

Maeve at 4 Weeks

2008-06-05T14:16:00.002-04:00

I think she weighs around nine pounds. She has great control of her head and neck, can roll from her front to her back, and from her back to her side. She's sleeping 5-6 hours at night (8 last night! whoo!) and is starting to give us just little hints of smiles.

Adjustment

2008-06-01T11:03:00.002-04:00

Things are going really well here! I don't know if it's the zoloft or the fact that I feel that Maeve's birth went so much better than Freyja's, but there's no sign of PPD.

Maeve is a really good baby, Freyja is acting like your typical 3 1/2 year old big sister (wants to help one minute, insanely jealous the next), Kerwin is back on 1st shift (amen), and I'm doing really well.

Baby alarm - more later.

Ooo, a BABY!!

2008-05-09T15:24:00.000-04:00

Alas, the VBAC was not to be. I did get a fair trial of labor, however, which was what I wanted. Maeve was born on May 7th at 9:48 pm, weighing 7 pounds and 12 oz and measuring 19 inches long :)

I got to about 6 cm and started having intense pain around my prior C/S incision - after talking with my doctors, we decided to go on to a repeat c-section. When they got in, my uterus was paper-thin near the scar. There's no guarantee that it would have ruptured, and I don't think my experience should in any way dissuade anyone else from attempting VBAC. I feel fine about the section - this hospital's post-op protocols are FAR superior to the hospital where I delivered Freyja.

Instead of getting her out and whisking her away to the nursery to be brought back sterile and clean 2 hours later, they just rubbed her dry, let her hang out under the warmer, let Kerwin bring her over for me to give kisses to, and then when they were done suturing me up gave her to me and we went to recovery together. I was able to breastfeed her within 45 min after birth and before she had her first bath. Things are going remarkably well in that department, much better than they did with Freyja.

Here's some pictures - hubby took them. I'll update with new ones once I unload the camera again, since all the rest of them are either screaming naked goo covered child or something equally odd.

Labor Update

2008-05-07T12:25:00.002-04:00

My water broke on it's own after getting here to the hospital this morning :)

I'm currently 4 cm, which is as far as I got with Freyja in 12 hours of pitocin labor.

I have a VERY slow pitocin drip right now that is doing the trick, it's been in since about 10:30 this morning.

So things are going very well, hopefully we'll have a baby this afternoon or evening :D

Whaa :(

2008-05-06T22:44:00.002-04:00

I just packed my baby girl off to Grandma's to stay until we have her sister.

I feel like I haven't made enough of our time with just her. She's not going to be our only baby anymore. The dynamic is going to be totally different, and I don't think I'm all right with that yet.

It seems like I haven't given her enough kisses, and cuddles, and affection. She's been really independent since she learned to sit up and we've taken advantage of that instead of loving on her more, and playing with her more. Now I don't have any more time with her as my only baby.

Now she has to share us. I didn't expect this to hit me so hard.

And at the risk of sounding cliche, how can I possibly love another one as much as I love her? And how can I give her the attention and love she deserves while taking care of the new one? I'm sure it will all work out and I'll look back a while from now and feel silly about this - but right now I just don't know how I'll do it.

All Systems Go

2008-05-05T19:45:00.002-04:00

My doctor was back today, and I was happy to see her.

She's concerned about my blood pressure and about the GD. She still wants to give me an honest shot at a vaginal delivery, however. She gave me the choice of an induction or scheduling the repeat c-section.

My cervix is 90% effaced and 2 cm dialated, so I'm favorable for induction. They won't use drugs on a VBAC mama, so at 3 am Wednesday morning, I'm going in to have my water broken. She swept my membranes today and she thinks I have a good chance of going into labor before then anyway.

I know a lot of hardcore VBAC people aren't going to agree with this. They'd be telling me to push for biophysical profile ultrasounds, etc. However, I trust my doctor. She has been completely upfront with me from the beginning about my chances, the risks, the benefits of VBAC. If it wasn't for the GD, she said she'd be happy letting me go to 42 weeks and probably a little longer. I can accept that. She could refuse to induce me at all, but she left the descision up to me (and said she'd prefer I do the induction b/c she'd much rather attend a vaginal delivery than a c-section).

So that's the news here - I get 36-48 hours to go into active labor from the time they rupture me. I have no idea if I get to stay in the hospital that entire time or not. I'll keep the blog updated, since I'll have the laptop.

Never mind, then.

2008-05-03T12:51:00.002-04:00

My mom came to get Freyja and I decided to take a little nap while I still could.

Yep, the second I laid down everything stopped except the pelvic pressure. I don't get it, b/c I was up and moving around, cooking, doing laundry, getting a few last things together and they didn't stop then, did they?

I am really frustrated right now, going on two weeks of prodromal labor with nothing to show for it. I hope that my cervix is at least changing.

Hospital-Bound

2008-05-02T21:18:00.002-04:00

This is it, folks. Over the past two hours I've gone from general crampy feelings to regular contractions 4.5 min apart. My mom will be coming to pick up Freyja in a little over an hour and if things are still progressing then, we'll wait a little longer and then head to the hospital.

Wish me luck! Yay, VBAC!

Any Time Now

2008-04-28T02:01:00.003-04:00

My back is killing me. I've been having cramps and contractions on and off for the past week. Nothing is happening. I've apparently developed sleep apnea as well. I'm tired.

So, baby girl, you can come out any time now. Please. Before you hit ten pounds.

Mah Hubby Iz Famouse

2008-04-27T00:19:00.002-04:00

http://journal.neilgaiman.com/

Check out the entry called "pajamablog" - Kerwin's quite beside himself that he got his question answered. :D

Insomnia

2008-04-25T03:43:00.002-04:00

It's 3:43 am.

I woke up around 3, decided sleep was over-rated, and took a shower. I know I should just go back to bed, but I'll probably toss and turn instead of sleeping.

I wish I could report labor pains, but I can report the laptop bouncing from being kicked repeatedly by the unborn spawn.

I sort of feel like cleaning up the house. Maybe I'm nesting. I don't feel enough like cleaning up the house to get out of the recliner, however. The recliner is comfy, and the only place my back doesn't feel like it has knives stabbing into it lately.

It is rather peaceful sitting here in the dark with heavy rain coming down. I might actually call it a torrential downpour.

A Whine

2008-04-20T09:55:00.002-04:00

Lower back, hips, thighs = lots of ow.

Typical at 37 weeks? Yes.

Doesn't mean I like it.

I can't get anything done.

I don't want to bring the baby home to a messy house.

I forsee tylenol in my future today.

Still Here

2008-04-18T13:28:00.002-04:00

And still pregnant!

Some perinatologist tried to play the dead baby card with me yesterday in regards to my diet-controlled gestational diabetes (which he thinks is not diet controlled because my fasting blood sugars occasionally run 5 points high - nothing any of my other docs have been concerned at all about) Stupid peri, you don't play the dead baby card with a mom who's done her research, especially if you've just looked at my chart for two minutes and decided you know more about my specific case than the doctors and midwives who have seen me my entire pregnancy. No, I will not be scheduling a c-section because you think I should.

He prescribed a blood sugar medication that in the literature states should not be taken within two weeks of delivery to avoid extreme low blood sugar in the infant. I will not be taking it, as the risks outweigh the benefits at this point. I have a call in to my regular OB about it. I'd much rather adjust my carb intake if she thinks it's a problem (which she did NOT on monday).

Thankfully I shouldn't have to see this guy again. I have no idea why I had to see him in the first place, b/c I thought I was just going in for an NST and an ultrasound.

Bad Idea

2008-04-10T04:38:00.002-04:00

Remind me never to meditate before going to sleep ever again.

I just woke up from a dream that's left me really shaken - shaken enough to have to get up, check the news, check the phone, check that Freyja is where she's supposed to be. I stopped short of calling Kerwin at work, but if I can't get back to sleep in a half hour or so, I might call him anyway.

I have a cup of tea.

I don't have nightmares often. The dream just started out as odd, but then I got mad about something pretty inconsequential during a family party (I believe I chewed a younger cousin out about how HER religion wasn't the only one in existence, so would she please shut up) . I went outside to take a breather and calm down, and all of a sudden people start pouring out of the house, looking for their family members and their belongings. Something about seventeen people being shot on the floor of a slaughterhouse not far from where we were, and the news said the apocalypse was upon us.

I couldn't find Freyja. I couldn't find Kerwin. I couldn't find my socks. It was dark and they had turned out all the lights in the house, the light switches wouldn't work. Why I was worried about my socks is beyond me. I went into my mom's room (who knows why dream logic works) and got a pair of socks. She coudln't find hers either, so I handed her a pair. She kept screaming something over and over, and I couldn't understand her. As soon as I put the socks on (they were either 60's flower power flowers or stripes...I don't remember which pair I gave my mom), I woke up.

My heart was racing. I had to get up and turn lights on, check on things.

I don't remember the last time I had a serious nightmare bad enough to make me get up out of bed, make a cup of tea, and long desperately for someone to talk to at a quarter to five in the morning.

Taking It Easy

2008-04-10T00:48:00.003-04:00

Due to my high blood pressure, midwife wants me to "take it easy" until my next appointment, which is Monday with the OB who is overseeing my VBAC.

Easier than usual? To be honest, my hips and pelvis hurt so much that between fetching meals and snacks for Freyja and myself, going to the bathroom, and occasionally unloading the dishwasher or switching laundry loads, my butt stays in the recliner. Then every evening I do some of the spinningbabies.com postures to attempt to make up for the time in the recliner. From what I can tell, the baby is happily right occiput anterior, so I must be doing something correctly. Left occiput anterior is the end-all-be-all of optimal fetal presentation, but I'll take what I can get.

I'm not sure how much "easier" I can take it without becoming comatose. My blood pressure remains high, but I have zero other symptoms of pre-eclampsia. I'm still wearing my rings and I still have ankles. I am not at all puffy (erm...puffier than usual). In theory, we are still "only" talking pregnancy-induced hypertension (because my blood pressure is shockingly normal when I'm not incubating another human life).

I'm supposed to lie on my left side a lot. I have a stupid uncomfortable couch and a three year old who requires constant supervision just due to her age. She is good about playing independently, which is nice for me - but I can't just hole up in my bedroom while she has run of the rest of the house. Let me tell you that this is probably not going to happen much. Comfortably ensconced in the recliner is the best I can hope for. I might be able to swing 15 min out of an hour on my left side on the couch. Any longer and I'd fall asleep. Not a good thing.

Off to meditate before sleep and see if that helps the blood pressure any.

One calendar month til my due date.

Musical Theatre Meme

2008-04-08T11:28:00.003-04:00

Eden's Movie Quote meme made me think of doing a Musical Theatre meme along the same lines.

Everybody who's nerdy can come and play. There might be a couple of you somewhere.

Same rules - identify the musical that the song snippet is from and quote a song snippet you like from the same show. I'm going from classics to contemporary here. I don't think there's anything too obscure.

Since blogger doesn't allow a cut like livejournal and wordpress do (at least, I haven't found out how to create one), once I start getting answers I will just hide them so you'll have to highlight to read.

1. "Why not both instead/there's the answer if you're clever/have a child for warmth/and a baker for bread/and a prince for...whatever"

2. "I'll show you the proper ploys/when you talk to boys/little ways to flirt and flounce"

3. "I'm a girl men go mad for/love's a game I can play/with a cool and confident sort of air"

4. "What we have here is an ethical dilemma/'Less I help him get the mask removed/He doesn't have a prayer/True the gun as never fired/But the way events transpired/I could finish him with simple laissez faire"

5. "He'd go out every night trying to find himself/and along the way he found Ruth, Rosemary, Gladys, and IRVING/I guess you could say we broke up because of artistic differences/he saw himself as alive/and I saw him dead."

6. "Down once more to the dungeon of my black despair/down we plunge to the prison of my mind"

7. "Did you ever laugh when a waitress falls/and drops a tray of glasses/"
"And ain't it fun to watch figure skaters/falling on their asses?"
"Don't you feel all warm and cozy/watching people out in the rain"
"That's schaudenfreude/people taking pleasure in your pain"

8. "I have confidence in sunshine/I have confidence in rain/I have confidence that spring will come again/besides which you see/I have confidence in me!"

9. "Prove to me that you're no fool/walk across my swimming pool/if you do that for me/then I'll let you go free"

10. "Find - Glory/one last refrain/glory/from a pretty boy frontman/who wasted opportunity"

11. "Tonight, tonight/it all began tonight/I saw you and the world went away/tonight, tonight/it's only you tonight/who you are/what you do/what you say"

12. "Macavity's a mystery cat/he's called the hidden paw/for he's the master criminal/who can defy the law/he's the bafflement of Scotland Yard/the Flying Squad's despair/cuz whatever time the deed took place/Macavity wasn't there"

13. "Mama/Doesn't even have an inkling/That I'm working in a Nightclub/In a pair of Lacy pants."

14. "Shan't I have the normal life a maiden should?/Shall I never be rescued in the wood?/Shall two knights never tilt for me/and let their blood be spilt for me?/Oh where are the simple joys of maidenhood?"

Gearing Up

2008-04-05T02:20:00.002-04:00

Not only is unborn spawnling already "dropped" into my pelvis (and yes, I do look like a ridiculous penguin when I walk now), I am having braxton-hicks contractions from hell tonight. I just drank a ton of water and now I'm going to bed. Freyja never did drop at all and I don't remember having any BH with her.

Maybe she'll come around 38 weeks. That'd be fantastic except we're not quite ready yet. The crib is still a toddler bed, we haven't gotten the new carseat, we haven't gotten the bassinet and swing out yet, etc.

Oh, and she's still nameless. I'm still stuck on what you name the sister of a Freyja. It has to have either no nickname possibilities or EXCELLENT nickname possibilities. Persephone is right out, Percy is the only decent nickname there and I don't like it. Athena is too severe. Isis too dippy. Minerva = Minnie. UGH. Artemis has potential, but I dislike "Missy" and "Misty" and "Arty" as nicknames. Sif is too weird, I don't like Iduna, and the Celtic goddess names are all WAY overused (Rhiannon, Brigid, and yes, I've met 2 or 3 Morrigans in the area) except for Bronwyn which is too guttural when put with Heather as a middle name and our last name.

I kind of like Lakshmi, but can you get away with naming a likely towheaded, blue eyed German/Swedish child Lakshmi? I'm not sure you can.

My House Smells Fabulous!

2008-04-02T16:40:00.002-04:00

There's a big stockpot of chicken soup bubbling away on the stove. We don't fuss around with chicken soup here - this isn't some pop open a can of chicken broth and add a few veggies kind of a thing. Oh, no.

There are caramelized onions and garlic. Then we saute the carrots and celery to bring out the flavors. Add ten chicken legs (no skin, please) and fill up the stockpot with water 2" from the top. Add a bay leaf or two, and then cook the hell out of it all afternoon until the liquid is reduced by at least a third (yes, children, a third. you want to concentrate the flavors). Then fish the chicken bones out (since it all fell apart on you), add fresh or dried herbs (I like thyme, dill, and rosemary) and your choice of noodles or pasta and cook until the noodles are done.

Eat. Eat a lot. Then freeze the leftovers in gallon ziplock bags, enough to feed the family for one dinner in each.

Someone told me once that I was making chicken stock and furthermore, "doing it wrong" (ie, you don't let the water evaporate, bla bla bla). They've never tasted my soup, so I can see where they might be confused. I agree that the chicken and veggies strained out, this would be fantastic chicken stock. But why add the extra step of taking the veggies out and then putting different ones back in? The carrots are sliced thick and so is the celery, so nobody's ever complained about the texture of the veggies. You should try it my way. It's really good.

Just make sure you caramelize the onions first. If you skip that, it's not nearly as yummy.

Friends Pimping Friends...

2008-04-02T15:53:00.002-04:00

Eden has a fun movie quote meme going on today. You should go over and play!

Why'm I not Surprised?

2008-04-01T20:38:00.001-04:00

Do you have an inclination for BDSM?
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Dominant

(((Note: This quiz doesn't cover all aspects of BDSM due to the length that such a comprehensive quiz would be. I chose to keep it sex-based because the psychological reasons behind fetishes are complex and different for everyone to some degree.)))

Sex is about power and you like to be powerful. It's nice to be in charge and get what you want. And being in a position where people will do what you say is exciting.

Sadist

89%

Dominant

89%

Experimental

75%

Exhibitionist / Voyeur

71%

Bondage

36%

Switch

36%

Masochist

25%

Submissive

14%

Vanilla

14%

Degradation Lover

11%

Fiction F**k List

2008-03-31T23:07:00.003-04:00

I nabbed this one off Livejournal today (where I do my Potter fandom blogging) - thought it looked like fun

List ten fictional characters you would have sex with (in no particular order) and tag five people to do the same, if you like.

1. Aragorn, from The Lord of The Rings

2. Teddy Laurence, from Little Women, Little Men, Jo's Boys (I get why Jo turned him down, but I'd still do him)

3. Edward Cullen, from the Twilight trilogy

4. F'nor, from the Pern books

5. Fiyero, from Wicked

6. Bruce Wayne

7. Perrin Aybara, from the Wheel of Time

8. Galahad, from Heinlein's works

9. Remus Lupin, from Harry Potter. I'd say Snape, but see #10 instead - close enough.

10. Mr Rochester, from Jane Eyre

Tuna Salad

2008-03-30T13:40:00.002-04:00

I had a tuna sub for dinner last night and at least two tuna sandwiches for lunch earlier in the week.
It is just about the only protein source that seems at all appealing right now. I can taste it just thinking about it. Turkey smells bad to me right now, roast beef tastes like sawdust, ham is too watery and I've eaten so much freaking peanut butter this pregnancy that just looking at a jar of it makes me groan. I hate eggs, so I don't have any recourse there.

Unfortunately "they" want preggos to limit tuna to 1-2 servings a week and I've gone over that already.

I'm also craving chips and onion dip, but genius hubby only bought flavored chips. You can't dip those, not in onion dip. I may have to get dressed and run to the store.

Pie, and other musings

2008-03-27T15:53:00.004-04:00

I was just blindsided by a sudden and severe craving for piecrust. Baked, of course. I couldn't tell you what kind of filling I might like in the piecrust. Cherry might be good, or peach. Since I'm still able to for a few more weeks, I'll blame it on pregnancy.

I haven't been blogging because I've been emotionally overwhelmed. I haven't mentioned it to my midwife yet because they seem to be more concerned about flipping out over my blood pressure/blood sugar/mucus than anything else and sending me off to waste entire afternoons at L&D for what ends up being nothing. Better safe than sorry. I just keep seeing it all as a concerted effort to prevent me from being able to VBAC. Paranoid much? Probably. The only provider not flipping out over one thing or another involving me at that office is their supervising obstetrician. I saw him last week for a "just in case" surgical consult (in case the unthinkable happens and I need a c-section before my due date). He reiterated that I'm an excellent VBAC candidate and expressed his dismay that his hospital doesn't allow VBAC but he understands and wishes me the best of luck. The midwives seem to be like "uh, you have this problem...let's pursue it to death..."

Anyway, emotionally overwhelmed. Freyja is mouthy, bratty, defiant, and really difficult to deal with right now. She is making me doubt my parenting and I keep wondering just what business I have with having a second child when the first one is such a hellion. I keep hearing it's because she's three and a half. I doubt that her turning four will magically make all of her naughtiness go away. She doesn't want a baby. She doesn't want a baby sister. I know a lot of this is completely normal. I'm really glad that she developed a strong bond with Kerwin at a very young age, because I know that will help when I don't have as much time to spend with her since I'll be busy with the baby - she'll still have daddy without much interruption.

I'm 34 weeks tomorrow. I'm to the point where I'm up to pee 3 times a night again, and then waking up every hour to turn over or adjust position.

So, in 4-8 weeks, it'll be baby time. I keep waiting for nesting to kick in, but all I want to do with my spare time is sleep, still.

Support Your Candidates

2008-03-06T14:54:00.001-05:00

You can't see the shirt too well, but it says "Potter/Weasley '08"

Lo and Behold

2008-03-06T13:13:00.002-05:00

Kerwin and I are going away for the night tomorrow.

That's right, we're going to go stay in a hotel. By ourselves. Wink, wink. With no three year old to wake up, wander in, or interrupt anything.

Freyja is going to Grandma's and is rather cross about the entire thing. Why do mommy and daddy get to go stay in the hotel and swim in the pool by themselves? It's not fair!

She should be happy we're letting her go out to dinner with us beforehand. My dad asked where I'd like to go for dinner (thanks for taking us all out, dad!) and I thought about it for two seconds in which I compared favorite food with food I am able to eat right now (boo, gestational diabetes) and said, "Mongolian BBQ!"

Ah yes. All you can eat stir-fry, then a night alone with my lovely hubby.

Turning 27 is going to be a good time.

Happy Birthday To Me, Happy Birthday To Me...

2008-03-05T14:34:00.000-05:00

- March 7 -
You are kind hearted and very friendly. You love attention, and you are always daydreaming in your own world. People gravitate towards you.
Positive Traits: intelligent, ethical, analytical, photographic memory, intuitive
Negative Traits: overly introverted, eccentric, uncommunicative, selfishness, cynicism
'What does your Birthdate mean?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Bow-chicka-bow-bow

2008-03-05T13:12:00.001-05:00

That was fun...

2008-02-29T18:47:00.002-05:00

Sort of.

My friend (who started out as "just" Freyja's daycare provider - but after two years we've progressed to friends) went to Florida this week. She asked me if I would keep her home daycare open while she went. I agreed, especially since there was money involved. We like extra cash when we can get it. Most of the parents know me since she has no turnover. We found her almost right after she opened two years ago and she still has the same kids - nobody has left except one family who moved.

It wasn't too bad. The worst part was my own kid acting up because she seemed to think that because it was her mommy there, she didn't need to follow the rules. The thirty-pound moose of a ten month old wasn't a picnic either, but just because it was heck to heft him all over. He's a very sweet and happy baby otherwise.

The rest of the kids are all ages 2-4. They play nicely together and they all still take nice long afternoon naps. They scrap once in a while, but it's easily mended. No real problems there.

What I didn't count on was getting a hellacious head cold over the weekend that stuck with me all week - coughing, sneezing, not sleeping well. I'm pretty tired today, and looking forward to a nice, relaxing weekend with just my own little monkey to look after.

As If Being Sick Wasn't Enough

2008-02-24T22:54:00.003-05:00

I had to call Poison Control this evening at my folks'.

My mom left the bottle of cough/cold medicine out on the counter, and Freyja decided she had a headache and would help herself to it. Somehow she managed to remove a child-proof top and administered herself an unknown amount, but less than 2 ounces, of Triaminic Nighttime Cough and Cold medicine while the rest of us were in the living room. As far as I knew, she went out to the kitchen to get a drink from her cup of water that was out there and came back 30 seconds later saying "I took three medicines."

The lovely calm woman on the other end of the line did some calculations for me and said we probably have nothing to worry about, told me how she'd probably behave, and said she'd call back in about four hours to see how we were doing (that part, she said, is protocol).

Well, Freyja acted spot on to what the call center woman said - she sucked down about 24 oz of water, ate some dinner, got mouthy and belligerent, and then fell asleep on the ride home.

The woman did indeed call back, Freyja is still sleeping but had given Kerwin a hard time when she roused and he was sitting near her (the nerve!) on the couch. That was a good sign. She's responsive, if I tickle her nose with her hair she brushes it away.

The only two times I've had to call poison control is b/c it didn't cross anybody's mind there (including mine) to marginally childproof their kitchen. I'm not talking bumpers on everything, I'm talking cupboard locks on undersink cabinets and making sure to put medicine WAY up out of reach. Basic safeguards, because as much as you'd like not to, sometimes you have to look away from a child.

The first time she poured a bunch of jet dry out and ended up with minor chemical burns on her knees. I don't even remember what I was doing then - I was probably in the bathroom. My mom is overly sensitive and when I mentioned this there were tears and drama, and I was "blaming" her for everything. The locks should have been installed on the old cabinets then. I should have done it myself. It still wouldn't have helped today, though.

Well, there will be cabinet locks installed the next time I'm over there as a precaution. They should have been done when the new cabinets were put in. I know that this is mostly my fault, I should be more vigilant about making sure there's nothing potentially dangerous sitting out on the counters there. I feel like a failure as a parent. I know things like this happen, but apparently I now need to be up Freyja's butt 24/7, at least over there.

But I'd also like to know how in hell my 3 year old managed to open a freakin childproof bottle. I can't even manage to open them all of the time.

Six Words Meme

2008-02-23T19:27:00.002-05:00

I saw this over at momvoyage

Originally, it belonged to this blogger

Since detours are my way of life, I shall just say if you'd like to do this, please do!

1. Write your own six word memoir

2. Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like

3. Link to the person that tagged you in your post and to this original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogosphere

4 .Tag five more blogs with links

5. And don’t forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!

This side road looks like fun...

Searchy, Searchy - PSA Edition

2008-02-23T10:31:00.005-05:00

Good morning, chickadees! There were some good searches on the sitemeter log this morning. Enough that I needed a PSA edition of "Searchy, Searchy".

PSA #1

S**********, MD G****** DBA V******** FAMILY CARE in Florida (asterisks added to protect MY ass), if your ISP lists your name connected to your IP, be careful what you're searching for at work, because I can see you!

Either way, I doubt that googling for "fat chicks in bathing suits" is a good use of company time nor does it give me much hope as to how compassionate of a doctor you are. Gives me a great indication if how your office would probably treat me if I came in with any kind of ailment, though - "Lose weight. You won't have headaches/backaches/allergies/sore throats/carpal tunnel anymore then."

Or maybe you just have a fetish. In any case, I'd check with your ISP about removing your name and business name from public IP listings.

PSA #2

Verizon.net user from Boston searches for "how do I claim my americorps stipend".

I have to guess this means on your taxes? Did you get a W-2 form? You claim it as earned income. To confuse you further, on your taxes and on the FAFSA are the only places you would claim your Americorps stipend as earned income. If you need to apply for food stamps, daycare aid, etc your stipend does not count against you - it does for Medicaid, though. Don't ask me why, I don't understand the federal government either.

She Must Be Sick...

2008-02-21T13:47:00.002-05:00

Because this afternoon nap thing just doesn't happen around here.

Whew!

2008-02-17T20:07:00.002-05:00

I just spent half an hour clearing out 3000 emails from my gmail account.

Yes, scads of storage is a lovely thing, but it also keeps me from keeping things tidy in there.

Valentine's Day

2008-02-13T22:15:00.002-05:00

It's not a day we go all out for.

I did buy Freyja an adorable Ariel hair bow, since she's just the tiniest bit obsessed with the Titian-haired mermaid.

DH is getting a more adult oriented treat - after all, the day after is the Lupercalia, an ancient Roman fertility festival (also commemorates the founding of Rome). Why not celebrate both?

As for me, DH is pretty good at buying presents that really communicate "I love you for who you are, not who the diamond ads say you should be."

That's right, chickadees. I get video games. Two years ago we got a crazy huge tax return and he came through with a Game Boy Advance SP. That was lovely. I still use it frequently. This year it was Kingdom Hearts II. I did ask for Lego Star Wars, but apparently it's nowhere to be found.

He could buy me jewelry, I suppose. And it'd just sit there unworn. Video games, however, get lots of use. As would lingerie, but I prefer to pick that out myself and consider that more a present for HIM than the other way around.

Dogs Can't Have Chocolate...

2008-02-12T16:06:00.000-05:00

Apparently the idiots who make the Raggs show for PBS didn't do their research. Today's show is about eating "healthy" food. One of the characters ate *gasp* COOKIES for breakfast and CHOCOLATE too - so he didn't have any energy for playing! The funny part is that it was the stoner dog...anyway...

Apparently the giant annoying anthropomorphic dogs LOVE chocolate - but chocolate is "bad" for you, it's not "healthy". Well, it's not healthy for dogs in any case!

Really? They love it so much they're willing to DIE if they eat it?

Freyja caught this before I did. "Mommy! Those dogs are saying they like chocolate! Chocolate is BAD for doggies! If we gave doggies chocolate, they would DIE!"

Damn straight, that's my smart girl.

You Have Fail!

2008-02-12T13:50:00.000-05:00

I "failed" my one hour gestational diabetes test.

So I get to waste an entire morning doing the 3 hour one. That means I have to get up at 5:30, drive my husband to work, entertain my overtired 3 year old for 3+ hours in the doctor's office and hope I don't faint or puke before I can get somewhere to eat real food afterward.

Unless I can manage to do this on a Monday or a Friday, then she can go to daycare while I do the test. I'll still have to get up at the arsecrack of dawn, though.

I know my health is important. But the way hubby's schedule works and the way my MW office works does not mesh well. He works 10 days on, 4 off. And the 4 off were LAST week.

His car needs work. Again. After I spent $400 on it, it just sits there in the driveway going nowhere, making it impossible to do anything during the day when he's working.

And all I ever do here anymore is bitch. I need a hobby.

Searchy, Searchy

2008-02-09T15:42:00.000-05:00

my appearance postpartum
you're not going to look perfect right away. It took nine months to put it on, give yourself at least nine months to get back to physical normalcy. Don't be surprised if mental and sexual normalcy takes double to triple that time.

I hate team building
It's not my favorite thing, either. Icebreakers will never be anything BUT cheesy.

I hate americorps
Of course you do. You're paid for shit and every time you try to do something that will help people your site supervisor or program director shoots you down. Or maybe you don't want to help people at all and you joined because you wanted an easy paycheck. Either way, it's your attitude that makes the difference.

michigan sexy dresses
do you mean sexy dresses made in Michigan? Or sexy dresses on women in Michigan? I admit to being a bit confused.

pictures fat chicks in bathing suits
you're either some kind of perv or some kind of idiot looking to mock people. Or you could just like fat chicks, what do I know? I'm betting on the first or second though. In any case, you're not going to find any pictures of my fat ass in a bathing suit here, and it's creeping me out that this EXACT search string has been linked to me several times in the past few days. I do have your IP logged, verizon.net user from Hopkins, Michigan. There's no pictures of me in my bathing suit here. Nor will there ever be. Now go away.

best low maintenance haircut for busy moms
may I recommend the cut I have? It comes to the middle of my neck and has nice stacked layers that give it bounce. It looks great no matter if I just let it dry after combing or use the hair dryer and a little volumising cream.

Funny Freyja

2008-02-06T13:11:00.000-05:00

Child just bonked her head against a bookshelf, sat down, and burst out crying,

"IT's OKAY! I'm OKAY!"

Bawling her head off.

Hubby is home, so he's comforting her - just so you don't think I'm all heartless. :D

Your Attention Please...

2008-02-06T10:30:00.000-05:00

So. We had our other ultrasound. Thankfully the baby was very cooperative. The tech got pictures of everything they needed without any trouble at all, which was great! We also got a nice, clear gender shot.

It's a girl.

Yes, there are a lack of exclamation points there. I already have a girl, and she's quite marvelous. People tell me that I will "love" having two little girls, and I suppose at some point I will. Then other people talk about the "special" bond they have with their little boy, and how it's "different" yet "different" seems to mean "better" in this context.

Apparently it's wrong of me to be slightly disappointed about this. After all, my husband is happy that the baby is healthy. He's thrilled to have another little girl. He has no overarching desire to prove his maleness with a son and "heir". I should just be happy that the baby is healthy. It's wrong to want a specific gender. Just another one of those things mothers aren't allowed to have any negative feelings about.

Hey, at least I'll save some money. I already have all kinds of girl clothes.

Holy Snowstorm, Batman!

2008-02-01T00:46:00.001-05:00

My GOODNESS.

A drive that normally takes 20 minutes or so in good weather took about an hour tonight. That was on the highway. I can't begin to think how long it might have taken on the back roads.

You see, instead of sending the plows out the moment there's 2-3 inches of snow on the ground, the idiot road commissions in our area wait. I don't know how they decide, but I'd guess this is close:

"Wal now, Bert, d'ya think we should send the plows out now?"
"I dunno, Jim. I got that four-wheel drive and I'm not going to have any trouble getting through this snow."
"Whut about them folks with them tiny little economy cars?"
"Wal, shoot, Jim. That's their fault, ain't it, for not having the right kind of vee-hickle for this sort of a climate? Waste of time and gas sending these here plows out. Just not in the public innerest."

Then they wonder why there are so many slide-offs and accidents during the next morning's rush hour.

As someone with a tiny little economy car, the county road commissions can kiss my butt. We have to deal with 2-3 of them on a daily basis because of the odd location we live in.

The maintenance woman in our trailer park also thinks she doesn't have to plow in the park on the weekends. The crap we had to gun our little tiny Prism through this past weekend was just atrocious. Guess what, lady? You raised my lot rent AGAIN. You can get your ass out of bed and plow my road.

Oh, and Happy Birthday to my mom. Love you mom!

VBAC Consult

2008-01-29T08:55:00.001-05:00

I was very pleasantly surprised. My assigned OB is a 4th year resident. She reminds me a lot of one of the docs I used to "work" with at the clinic where I did my AmeriCorps service.

She was very up front about what exactly I can expect, answered all of my questions without waffling or "maybe" or "we'll see". She said "This will happen, this will happen, this will happen, but beyond that, it's all up to you." So, I signed the consent forms and we're now officially planning a VBAC. The hospital seems to be very progressive as far as natural birth goes. None of the residents being trained do routine episiotomies, my OB at least will catch in any position I want to be in, and I was encouraged to use things like a birth ball, the shower and the tub. Excellent!

They don't use any ripening agents for VBAC's (very good) and will only use pitocin if a pressure catheter shows that contractions just aren't doing the work they should. Those are both very good things.

The only sucky part is that my blood pressure was REALLY high while we were there. They checked it twice. She ordered some blood work and I have to keep my pee for 24 hours to check for protein spilling in it. I am going to puke soooo much, just thinking about that makes me nauseous. Better safe than sorry, though.

Slacker!

2008-01-26T01:36:00.000-05:00

Totally.

There just hasn't been much going on here to blog about. Life goes on. I have my VBAC consultation on Monday, which I hope goes well. I have a very long list of questions to ask the OB. I hope I don't scare him. I've done my research.

I am getting another ultrasound. It seems that idiot midwife missed the part that said "FOLLOW UP RECOMMENDED" on the report. Marvelous midwife did notice it, however - but only after I asked about the gender and then cried. I didn't intend to cry, but hormones got in the way.

So, that will be on February 4th - a week from Monday. Hopefully baby will cooperate and we'll get the money shot.

Freyja has gone from "If it's a boy, I am running away to live at Grandma's" to "NO, I don't want a GIRL baby, I only like BOY babies."

Gut feeling still says boy. Gut feeling was accurate for Freyja, so we'll see how well mother's intuition plays out this time. Frankly, I hope it's a boy because we decided on a boy name already. Girls names are still up in the air - we have three we both love, and we would probably have to have the baby first and see what name fits her the best.

Hmmm

2008-01-14T10:50:00.000-05:00

How the heck is this baby all up in my ribcage already? I'm only 24 weeks. I should have known things were expanding further in there from the heartburn I've had the past few nights.

Brush Up Your Shakespeare

2008-01-10T20:39:00.001-05:00

Oooh, I AM as pretentious as I feel...hee hee :)

Sour Grapes

2008-01-08T17:18:00.000-05:00

Because one of the midwives in the practice couldn't find the baby's heartbeat at my 18 week appt, she sent me for an ultrasound "just in case".

What she neglected to mention was that this was going to be the "big" ultrasound. You know, the one where they check the spine, and the organs, and the GENDER.

So I didn't ask. I figured I'd get another one in a couple weeks.

Ha. No. No ultrasounds to be had here. They flat-out REFUSE to order another one. "Oh, you'll just have to wait, just like the old days! Hee hee, won't that be nice?" And the other preggos on boards I visit who are due around the same time are all having THEIR "big" ultrasounds. I find myself unwilling to congratulate them because really I want to be jealous and petty and say "you bitch" - even though it isn't anyone's fault but the midwife.

I know it's not a life-changing thing. We know the baby is healthy, and that's what matters.

Yeah, fuck that. I want to know what I'm having. Medical technology affords me that, and I'm not being permitted to access it. I can't get anything ready, I only have enough gender neutral things to last the first couple months, IF that.

Why does it feel so wrong to be upset about this? It seems like such a small thing, but it isn't, not to me.

Dizzy

2008-01-05T23:51:00.001-05:00

The past two times I've been up and about doing any significant amount of walking, I have gotten lightheaded and dizzy and almost fainted. The first time I thought that maybe my blood sugar was really low. This time I ate dinner right before I went to the store - sausage, potatoes, green beans; pretty balanced, and it happened again. I was able to sit down for a few minutes and I was OK again.

I think I'll be fine waiting until Monday to call. Hubby thought I might need to call the emergency line. I don't really know what he thinks they can do except have me go into the ER or something, which I can't do anyway because he's at work and I have Freyja at home with me.

The baby is very active tonight, kicking and rolling and doing lots of moving around.

Ow?

2008-01-03T22:03:00.001-05:00

I have a zit on my bum. I realize this happens from time to time. However, it is one of those nasty bright red, hard and hot ones. You know, the sort that are nigh impossible to pop so I can put myself out of my misery?

And it hurts to sit on a hard surface.

Why, at a time when the skin on my face looks relatively fabulous, has the skin on my bum gone haywire?

And to add insult to injury, the underwire just popped on the last bra I have that fits. The rest are all too small in the cups or have sustained similar underwire injuries.

I am going to fucking cry now. When you have boobs as big as mine, bras are not cheap nor plentiful. And I have no money.

The Family's Peculiar Aristocratic Titles

2008-01-02T01:54:00.001-05:00

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
Her Grace Lady Heather the Perplexed of Hope End
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
Baron Kerwin the Loquacious of Waterless St Mildred
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
Entirely Miss Reverend Lady Freyja the Implacable of Piddletrenthide on the Carpet
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

Weight loss thoughts

2007-12-29T13:10:00.001-05:00

Just to reassure folks, I'm not trying to lose weight right now. I lost 30 pounds over the summer and then I got pregnant. I've lost 13 more pounds since, probably because I am eating small meals and snacks every 1.5-2 hours while I'm awake to stave off nausea.

I used Weight Watchers over the summer and I plan to go back to that once the baby is born, since I find it easy and low-stress.

They're starting a "Biggest Loser" challenge over on my BabyCenter birth board, and they're going to use percentages, apparently that is how they do it on the NBC show. I don't watch "The Biggest Loser" although I do like "Celebrity Fit Club" (celebrity fit club is funnier, frankly). This means that if they do another challenge after I have this baby, there is no fair competition for me, personally. I think most of them looking to lose weigh under 200 pounds.

For me to lose 10% of my body weight right now, I would have to lose 37 pounds. Yes, you read that correctly. I am very heavy and it's very unhealthy. Someone who weighs 160 would only need to lose 16 to hit a 10% goal. I could whine about it over there, but what else is a blog for, right? I adore those ladies. I get that they feel unhealthy and unfit in their bodies currently. But I would be delighted to weigh 180. At this point, I'd be delighted to weigh under 300. I don't blame anyone else for my weight issue - I know it's my fault and my problem. That's why I was working on it! I sit on my butt too much and while we eat pretty healthily the majority of the time, we also hit the drive thru. I know it didn't go on overnight and I don't expect to take it off that quickly. Going by that it's safe to lose 1% of body weight in a week, it would take me about 12 weeks, or 3 mo, to lose 10%. It might be the same for someone else smaller, but no gaurantees. I don't think it's easier for overly large people to lose weight - it just looks that way b/c of excess water weight.

I just bristle that I can't have "fair" competition with my friends on that board, if they stick with the same style of challenge after I've had the baby. I like friendly competition of this sort, and I think it's fun and valuable, but there's no point in participating in the specific challenge b/c there is no way I can come even close to "winning" using a percentage system. I'll still do Weight Watchers and lose the weight - nothing is going to stop me there - but I suppose I'll have to stick with SparkPeople's boards for the support/competition. The women who need to lose 15-20 pounds probably don't understand what it's like for me, who needs to lose 150-200 pounds.

Or maybe they do, and I'm not giving them a chance.

Late Night Musings

2007-12-23T02:17:00.000-05:00

I'm tired. Not just physically, mind. Physical tiredness is easy to deal with, at least for me. Insomnia has never been one of my traits. Night-owl-ness, very much so. I just seem to have developed a bone-deep weariness that I can't shake. I'm emotional (I know some of that has to do with pregnancy hormones), yet can't bring myself to invest much emotion in others right now. The bipolar just eats away at me, and there's nothing I can do for it. Unless I become suicidal (which I'm not. Just freakin tired!) I won't risk hurting the baby to treat it with drugs.

It doesn't help that I'm not working. It doesn't help that I dislike being a stay at home parent, or that I'm a crappy housekeeper and I feel like a crappy mom. I feel as though I contribute absolutely nothing to anyone or anything currently. I know in my rational mind this isn't true - Freyja is bathed, fed, clothed, played with, cuddled and loved. I know that that is worth something, but it doesn't feel like it to me. I hope I can hold it together with two kids. I know I don't have to hold it together alone, but I feel like I have to deal with the bipolar and the mental issues alone. It's just overwhelming. I worry about after the baby comes, will I deal with postpartum depression again? Or worse, postpartum psychosis?

I just worry a lot. I'm just tired. My therapist is nice, but she doesn't quite get it. Even though the test she gave me agrees with the bipolar diagnosis, she seems to think that boosting my self-esteem will solve all my problems. If only it were that easy.

Our Trip Away

2007-12-20T23:14:00.000-05:00

Kerwin works for a Marriott brand hotel (think the high-end, swanky one), and one of his "perks" is 2 free nights at a Marriott property at least 60 miles away from the one he works at in November or December.

We took advantage of this the past couple of days in the Ann Arbor, MI area. I had hoped to come back with pictures of Freyja jumping on the bed, but she refused to jump. It was a king bed, I was right there, I made sure her shoes were off. I said, "you can jump on the bed!"

"No, mumma. That is NOT safe."

"Yes, but I am here watching you, so it's OK. It's a big bed, and I doubt you'll fall."

"I will fawl and cwack my head open and you will have to take me to the 'mergency woom."

There you have it - my own personal safety patrol. We did have a good time using the pool and visiting with Kerwin's grandmother, whom we helped "decoration" her Christmas tree. The bed was cushy and huge - Freyja slept on the foldout couch the second night b/c she tossed and turned too much the first and kept us both awake. Last night, Kerwin was on one side and I was on the other, and I think you could have easily fit another fairly large adult in the middle. I don't, as a rule, snuggle.

A nice trip away, even if I didn't get any time to myself. I may look into having Kerwin just come and check me into the Courtyard or SpringHill Suites near us (we get a great rate there, something like $39/night) for a couple days of solo mommy R&R before the baby comes. I could read, take long baths, sleep, take more long baths...oh yeah.

Freyja's Current Obessions

2007-12-13T23:17:00.000-05:00

Thanks to my dad, Freyja has discovered the joys of YouTube.

Unfortunately, he didn't tell me what videos he played for her, leading to screaming that I wasn't playing the song with the swing and the car. WTF?! I had to call my dad to figure it out. It was the first one on the list.

Here's her current favorites, courtesy of Grandpa .

Leann Rimes - Nothing Bout Love Makes Sense

Leann Rimes - Nothin' Better to Do

The 5th Dimension - Wedding Bell Blues

The Archies - Sugar Sugar

Holiday Card

2007-12-12T00:44:00.001-05:00

Made with GIMP, b/c I'm too poor for Photoshop.

Dear Idiot Child

2007-12-10T18:02:00.001-05:00

To the Idiot Child Driving the Green Pickup Truck;
4:52 PM, December 10, 2007
Apple Drive and 144th, Nunica, MI

Please go directly to the Secretary of State's office and surrender your licence, if you even have one. The purpose of a stop sign is so that you STOP, look BOTH WAYS, and then WAIT if there is traffic coming before proceeding across the intersection. You seem to think a stop sign means to slow down, then drive slowly across the intersection, causing motorists with right of way to attempt to brake with less than 50 yards between you and them. Thank goodness the roads were not icy. If talking to your friend or adjusting your radio is more important than keeping your eyes on the road that you barely glanced in my direction as I laid on the horn for those 50 yards, you shouldn't be on the road. Period.

Since you have obviously not learned such a fundamental driving law, you don't deserve to be on the road. You almost got yourself t-boned today. You probably would have been all right, since I drive a tiny Geo Prism. My daughter and I may not have been so lucky. I don't think you want lives on your conscience at 16 or 17.

Driving is a priveldge, not a right. If I knew how to contact your parents, I would. I hope for your sake you did notice how close you came to a serious accident today and talk to your parents about it. They should think twice before allowing you back on the road.

Presents!

2007-12-05T13:26:00.001-05:00

All the stuff I've bought on Etsy has arrived.

I am really tempted to get into the yummy soap I ordered. It just smells so good!

Sunday Ramblings Redux

2007-11-25T16:02:00.001-05:00

I'm trying to do all of my holiday shopping for extended family on the money I have in paypal. My folks offered to help us out. They don't want anything back, but I just don't want to let them if I don't have to. I know I shouldn't be so prideful.

Gosh, it's hard. With me not working, though, it's what we can spare. I love Etsy for this. It's only the men I'm having trouble with. I just finished up two aunts and two cousins with a couple of Etsy purchases! Thankfully, we draw names on both sides so there aren't too many presents to buy. It looks like I'll have $$ left over, so hopefully I can find something cute for Freyja, too. It might not be the almighty Giraffe Tent, but it'll be something.

I enjoy shopping and finding that perfect thing, and being funds-limited just makes it more of a challenge. I'm trying to keep thinking of it that way - challenging, instead of pathetic. We'll at least keep up appearances for the family, though I don't know if Freyja is going to get much of anything from us at all. This is the first year she's really been excited about giving and getting presents, and all of hers will probably be from Grandma.

I know I shouldn't be so upset about a commercialized holiday, but I am. There, I admit it. I love Christmas and I hate being unemployed so our Christmas is going to suck. Kerwin doesn't want me to call the Salvation Army or Toys for Tots or anything like that to see about getting Freyja some presents, either. We've given to those and other similar programs for the past two years - and we will next year if things are better - I don't see the problem in utilizing something like this just this once.

Other than that, we're pretty broke. Kerwin and I have been fighting pretty much non-stop and I'm stressed close to the breaking point which I know can't be that good for the baby. I think he thinks that I'm trying to stay unemployed on purpose, at least that's the feeling I get. Yeah. I like worrying about paying bills and buying groceries. That's SO my idea of a good time.

I've applied for many jobs, I've been told my resume doesn't suck by some people I trust on that, and yet there are no calls. I'm going to head down to Goodwill, Manpower, and a few other agencies this week to see if there's anything they have listed that I qualify for. Temp work would be good right now anyway, considering I don't know how easy it's going to be to convince anyone to hire someone who's 4 months pregnant and will be going on maternity leave in early May anyway.

If you made it through this much of my whining, I thank you.

The Stars Don't Lie?

2007-11-18T13:52:00.000-05:00

I am a great kisser, thank you very much.

Sunday Musings

2007-11-18T13:42:00.000-05:00

I get more flowers now that my hubby works 3rd shift loss prevention at a fancy hotel than I ever did before. It has nothing to do with him getting paid more and thus being more able to buy me flowers, it has to do with wedding receptions, museum galas, and political events being held there.

Yes, I get castoff flowers. Today I also got cookies, Godiva chocolates, and Bosc pears, since they used pears in the arrangements for the wedding held at his hotel last night. They are very pretty arrangements, just the kind of thing I might have liked could I have afforded such a fancy fall wedding.

A few weeks ago, he brought home a gorgeous centerpiece of white and pink roses and miniature lilies. I dried about two dozen roses. It smells absolutely divine over by my baker's rack in the kitchen.

I suppose it's nice that he does think about me and bring these castoff flowers home. As a bargain hunter, I can understand his thinking.

All the same, it'd still be nice to get flowers that were intended for me in the first place, at least once in a while.

Goodbye, GG.

2007-11-15T12:37:00.000-05:00

The funeral was yesterday, and it was nice. Nice seems like a shallow descriptor, but it's the only one I can come up with right now.

I slipped the "Fuck Cancer" cross-stitch I made into the casket, because she loved it.

The homily had to do with faith and how Grandma lived hers by loving her family and taking care of the people around her. No altar calls, no come to Jesus if you loved Grandma talks, which I know Kerwin and I appreciated. My mom was amused by the two of us singing bass and alto on all the hymns without hymnals in our hands. She thought it was funny that the only people who knew all the words and harmony lines without the hymnals are, in fact, "godless heathens" (she DOES know about Paganism, she was just giving us crap).

Freyja did really well, she was quiet and she drew some pictures during the service.

It's over

2007-11-11T18:51:00.000-05:00

My grandma passed on at 3:30 this afternoon.

The funeral is on Wednesday.

I'm doing OK, just weepy and upset. She was a wonderful lady and we are going to miss her a lot.

My Grandma is Dying

2007-11-11T11:15:00.000-05:00

She had stomach cancer, had her whole stomach removed two years ago. Now it is back, and after an agressive chemo treatment a few weeks ago she has gotten steadily worse.

We spent the better part of the night at the hospital, then came to my folks about 5 am to try and get some sleep when nothing was changing. She's on oxygen, but is do not rescusitate in her orders.

My dad and his siblings, and some more of the family (who didn't have a cranky 3 yo to deal with) saw the internist this morning and they have said there is nothing more they can do for her, and all we can do is wait.

They may be moving her to hospice, but we don't know about that yet.

I'm the oldest grandchild and Grandma and I are pretty close. Freyja is beside herself and keeps telling us she doesn't want GG to die. I just tell her that sometimes our bodies become so broken that we can't live anymore, but if she loves GG, GG will never really leave her b/c she'll be in her heart. She seems satisifed with that, but it's so hard to watch your 3 yo cry b/c someone she loves is dying. There are seven other grandchildren and two more great grands, and lots of other family who will miss a funny, caring, loving lady.

Don't Sue Me, JKR

2007-11-09T14:32:00.000-05:00

For Eden, who asked:

My HP fanfic is archived at The Petulant Poetess.

I've only done drabbles so far, but my fic for the Winter 2007 Severus/Hermione exchange is going to be posted in January, after my recipient gets to read it first. It's entirely possible I could write something else between now and then, as well.

I usually post fic updates on my LiveJournal. Should I be working on my original YA SciFi novel instead? Probably.

Seven Weird Things Meme

2007-11-06T22:01:00.000-05:00

It's Thordora's fault.

1) I like my gingerale with a shot of caramel syrup

2) I'm really quiet if I don't know people. This doesn't win me many friends and makes me seem quite standoffish and snobby. I'm not, I'm just afraid that people won't like me. It's all part of having avoidant personality disorder.

3) My nickname around the house in high school was Opera Wench. My dad's friend Doug gave it to me.

4) I like fancy pens and fancy paper. Nothing makes me happier than a Moleskine and a nice pack of Staedtlers or microns. People wishing to be on my good side need do nothing more than come bearing quality stationery.

5) I read voraciously and indiscriminately. I like all kinds of books but I LOVE sci fi and fantasy, badly written and not.

6) I write Harry Potter fanfiction. People have actually read it and thought it was decent.

7) Asparagus is my favorite vegetable.

I'm supposed to pick seven people, but y'all can just do this if you like, and let me know.

No News

2007-10-26T19:09:00.000-04:00

Haven't heard back from the folks I interviewed with last week.

I'm either unemployable or bollocks at interviewing.

Grr.

Blog Day for the Mothers' Act

2007-10-24T21:40:00.000-04:00

http://www.postpartum.net/take-action.html

800,000 women in the United States will develop a diagnosable perinatal mood disorder this year. Only 15% of them will get any kind of treatment.

If you consider a population of 300 million, that's too many. As a nation, we treat our mothers appallingly. After all, a healthy baby is all that counts, right? It doesn't matter that a mother's body and rights were trampled on to get that healthy baby, does it? Even other mothers turn on each other over how we birth, feed, and care for our babies.

The Mothers' Act is a good start. It provides grants for education about postpartum depression. However, nothing will change until the social stigma of being affected by depression is eradicated.

The stories and voices of perinatal mood disorders are varied. They extend across social, economic, and racial boundaries. It's not just poor women, or white women, or rich women, or black women, or Hispanic women or middle-class women. It's all women.

In a nation that has the most advanced medical technology and the best doctors on the planet, we shame women who need help. "Cheer up!" "Buck up!" "You have a healthy baby, that's all that matters!"

We should be ashamed of ourselves. It's not all that matters.

Assorted Updates

2007-10-23T18:11:00.001-04:00

My interview last week went well, at least as far as I could tell. The interviewer and I bonded over a totally off-topic discussion of homebirth and doulas after all the pertinent information was discussed. Hey, anything that will help her remember me!

I should hear about the job by Friday. It's possible that it may be only part-time, but that would be OK as long as I'm still making around what I did with AmeriCorps. It would also cut down on daycare costs!

I'm bringing in a little money here and there with eBay auctions, but I'm losing my mind being at home. Freyja's going to daycare a couple times a week to keep her spot, but neither she nor I are used to being up each other's butt all day. We're still adjusting. Hopefully I'll get this job or another one soon, and she can go back to daycare where I'm sure she has a much more structured day than I could even attempt to give her.

The belly bean is doing fine. I have an appointment next Monday. I'll be 13 weeks, so we should be able to hear the heartbeat. My MW is really good at hunting for it under my fat if I recall correctly from when I was pregnant with Freyja. I had an ultrasound a couple weeks ago, too - I'd scan the picture, but it's not all that exciting - looks like a bean with flippers.

Also, if anyone is crazy enough to want to read my Harry Potter fanfiction, you can check out my livejournal account. I've only done drabbles/100 word so far, but once I finish my fic for an exchange I'm doing, it'll be posted there too. I know there are those of you who think fanfic is scary, so that's all I'll say.

That's about all that's going on around here. Someday soon I'll get back to writing real entries instead of holiday letter-esque updates.

An Interview. I has one.

2007-10-16T00:29:00.000-04:00

Wednesday afternoon at three.

I hope they like me, and I hope they like me enough to hire me.

I have seen the future of me not working, and it will only end in tears and insanity. The past two weeks have been more than I can bear. I am not cut out for staying home. I feel resentment toward my husband and child. I indulge in self-loathing. Soon I will have to ask Kerwin for money for something or another, and the last vestiges of my independence will be utterly stripped away.

It isn't, nor will it be, pretty.

So, if you would think of me on Wednesday at three, I would be most appreciative. The job is something I think I would really enjoy. It involves food, cooking, and imparting my wisdom and talent for eating well on a budget to others.

The Man Meme

2007-10-14T12:37:00.001-04:00

Via Eden:

1. Who is your man? Kerwin
2. How long have you been together? Five and a half years
3. How long dated? six months
4. How old is your man? just turned 29
5. Who eats more? him
6. Who said “I love you” first? can't remember.
7. Who is taller? him
8. Who sings better? it's a toss-up. We're both classically trained.
9. Who is smarter? probably him, as much as I hate to admit it. Book smarts only. When it comes to other things he's kind of dumb.
10. Whose temper is worse? mine, for sure
11. Who does the laundry? we both do
12. Who takes out the garbage? him
13. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? me
14. Who pays the bills? both of us
15. Who is better with the computer? me
16. Who mows the lawn? him
17. Who cooks dinner? usually me
18. Who drives when you are together? almost universally me
19. Who pays when you go out? depends on who got paid that week
20. Who is most stubborn? me
21. Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? him
22. Whose parents do you see the most? mine!
23. Who kissed who first? he kissed me first
24. Who asked who out? I don't know. We met online.
25. Who proposed? him
26. Who is more sensitive? me
27. Who has more friends? him
28. Who has more siblings? him

Shortbread Love

2007-10-12T14:45:00.000-04:00

The craving for shortbread blindsided me about half a hour ago.

It's easy to make, and I had everything, so I made some.

The plan is to eat a piece now and save the rest for later. Somehow I feel that just isn't going to happen. I loooooove shortbread. I did throw the guts of a vanilla bean in there, so it's not completely "authentic", but the dough was good.

Another reason to love shortbread - no eggs, so eating the dough off your fingers, the spoon, or the bowl is completely OK.

Shortbread
1 c. softened butter
1/2 c. fine sugar
2 c. flour (I use 1 c. regular flour and 1 c. corn starch - silky!)

Cream butter and sugar. Add flour a little at a time, until dough is shaggy and easily handled. Either roll out and cut with cookie cutters or pat into a 9x9 pan. Bake at 350 for about 15 min or until "set" and a very light golden. If you used a pan, cut into peices now. Let it cool.

I like to dip into melted chocolate, but whatever floats your boat.

An Open Letter, Vol III (I think)

2007-10-04T15:28:00.000-04:00

Dear Muskegon Target;

When you're closing one store to open another, you may find that the merchandise moves faster if you discount it. There's no way I'm going to pay full price for those 500 thread count sheets still left on your shelf, but had you discounted them I might. If you knock everything in the store down to 50% off I'm guessing whatever you have left will be gone before you close next Tuesday. Just sayin'.

Good move putting the expensive chocolate on 30% off, though. I did avail myself of a few bars. The Chocolove Candied Ginger and 65% Dark Chocolate bar? I'm one happy preggo.

But think about the discount, will you?

Kisses,

Heather

Sweets?

2007-10-04T00:02:00.000-04:00

I found a sugar cookie mix in the cupboard, but my oven knob is still broken and I haven't gotten a replacement for it yet. I really, really want some cookies. The only sweet stuff I have in the house is ice cream, and I'm too cold to want any ice cream.

Caramel corn sounds good, too - but I don't have any caramel nor do I feel like attempting to make some from scratch.

I'd settle for frozen waffles, but we're out of syrup. Powdered sugar on the waffles is only good if there's butter, and we're out of butter, too.

I need to get a new oven knob and I need to hit the grocery store, obviously. Yet this doesn't solve my immediate problem of wanting something sweet.

Grr.

It's Finished

2007-09-28T13:29:00.000-04:00

So I'm done with AmeriCorps.

This presents a small problem, as I must rename my blog. I expect I'll keep the same address, but a new title would be nice.

I'm thinking.

Skillz 2 pay da billz

2007-09-24T12:57:00.001-04:00

K assures me he has them.

Even IF, he says, I don't get a new job, we can still pay the bills! He's done the budget! If we get WIC and Food Stamps and Medicaid. To me, that is not paying the bills. That is continuing to suck off the tit when we really don't need to.

He seems to think I should be overjoyed at this. I do not want the meaningless trailer park existence nor do I particularly WANT to stay home with my spawn. All day. Because we won't be able to afford the gas to go anywhere or do anything fun. Being a stay at home mom is only cool when you have the $$ to do the things you want to do.

I would much rather work. Work. Earn money. Pay off debts. Pay off the trailer. Buy a real house with a real yard with room for spawnlings to run and play. Enjoy my spawnlings on the weekends and the evenings.

Staying home and having to watch every penny does not sound like anything I want to do. It will most certainly NOT be better for my children because vitamin Z won't even help me out of the low feeling like a non-contributor will put me in. K can try to tell me that being with the kids is the most important contribution, but when he's the one stuck at home with no adult interaction, trying to keep a toddler and a newborn quiet all day because Daddy works 3rd shift and is sleeping...well...maybe he'd get my reluctance.

I hate the feeling of not having any money in my pocket and having to ask The Husband for anything I want or need, having to justify new shampoo, or new underwear, or this cute outfit I saw for the baby. I had enough of that during Freyja's first year. Maybe if he were making double or treble what he does and could "pay" me for staying home then I'd be OK with staying at home, but the way things are now, I just can't fathom it.

And of course, because I think it's better for me to work and send my kids to daycare, I'm a Bad Evil Mommy for doing what's right for my family.

Fuck it all, I'm doing what I think is right, and to hell with what anyone else outside the family thinks.

Yes, Virginia, You Can Have a VBAC...

2007-09-19T15:00:00.000-04:00

...if you have private insurance!

I've called six practices and none of them are taking new patients with medicaid. One will take them with referrals, so if I can get my midwife to refer me (she knows I want a VBAC) I should be able to go with that one. The only issue is that two of their docs don't take medicaid at all, and they're the two - you guessed it - most likely to allow VBAC.

I love being poor. All my decisions are made for me and I just have to sit back and let the state decide what's best for me! Just WONDERFUL!

Can I get a VBAC?

2007-09-19T11:28:00.001-04:00

Who knows? There are at least 30 obstetrics practices in the area where we live. I am going to start calling them in a few minutes.

Let's hope I find someone with a good attitude, because I'm not going to listen to some jackass OB who thinks he's God's Gift to medicine tell me I'm too fat to have a vaginal delivery. But, if that's going to be the case, I'd like to find out now so I can just stick with my midwives that I see for well-woman care, and have their overseeing OB do a repeat c-section (he did Freyja's, which was the only thing well-done about her fiasco of a birth).

We've been tossing around the idea of a home birth, but there is just no way we'd be able to afford the midwife's fees, and as much as I know I might like a home birth, the idea of uterine rupture at home where I'm 20 minutes from a hospital and general anesthesia scares the shit out of me. After seeing uterine rupture AT a hospital, I'm not quite sure I can cope with that happening at home. VBAC'ing in the hospital I can handle, even though I know it will most likely be sterile, I'll be on my back, everything draped, bright lights and cold in an OR "just in case".

The statistics are on my side, it's just finding a provider that will "allow" me to "attempt a trial of labor". As soon as the phone finishes charging, I'll start calling and finding out.

Um, Surprise!

2007-09-14T18:37:00.000-04:00

I know I haven't posted much in the past few weeks. I've been busy, looking for a new job and finishing up the loose ends at my current one.

I've been feeling "off" the past few weeks, too. Then I noticed that I haven't had Aunt Flo for a visit in a while. This is nothing new, as my cycles are wonky.

Well, apparently losing that 30 pounds with Weight Watchers made me ovulate properly, because this is what I got staring at me Wednesday afternoon:

Yeah. The timing is horrible, I have no idea how we're going to afford this. I want to be excited and happy, but I'm really worried about finances. K just seems to think that everything will work out, but I just can't go flying on a wing and a prayer. Hopefully I find a job soon, but this is going to make it even harder.

Endings

2007-08-27T10:38:00.001-04:00

I have about a month to go in my second AmeriCorps term.

This means I need to get a real job. Also, it means that I need a new blog title. This whole "real job" thing is scary. I like the flexibility I have now, and I know that is going out the window soon. I've gained a lot of good experience, I just hope it's enough to land me a decent-paying office job somewhere. I've applied for a couple, so hopefully they'll at least interview me.

Kerwin started a new job this weekend - working third shift security at a new luxury hotel in the area. He loves it so far, and I hope it continues to treat him well. Anything's better than Best Buy at this point - he plans to stay on at least one day a week there. We love the discount and it's too good to give up! His discount via the hotel is excellent, as well. We may actually be able to afford a honeymoon for our 5th anniversary.

Eight Things About My Marriage

2007-08-24T12:01:00.000-04:00

1. Where did you meet your husband? Online, at a chat site called Alamak. We met in the "think cafe", a place for pseudo-intellectuals. In reality, it was the only room on the site where you could get a decent conversation without getting "A/S/L??!!1 U want 2 cyber?" every two seconds.

2. What was the first thing you said to your husband? In real life? I can't remember. It was probably, "Hi! Finally found you!"

3. Where was your first kiss? First date? First kiss and first date were the same day, I suppose. We kissed on one of the sidewalks outside of the Field Museum in Chicago - which was where we had our first meeting/date.

4. Did you have a long or short courtship/engagement? We met online in January of 1999, started "courting" online in January of 2002, met in April of 2002, he moved here in July of 2002. He proposed in January 2003, and we were married September 2003. I'd say it was about an average courtship and engagement.

5. Where did you get engaged? I was sitting on our bed, and I was pissed off at him because I knew the ring was back from being sized and he was hiding at one of our friends' houses instead of coming home and proposing like he was supposed to. He came home, handed me a rose from the gas station, and I was all "whatever!" and threw the rose on the bed. He handed it back to me and said that I might want to look at it a little closer. He had hidden the ring in the petals of the rose. I said "You BITCH!", and he pulled the ring out and asked me to marry him. Of course, I said yes - but he told everybody I called him a bitch when he proposed.

6. Where did you get married? At my mom's church on September 26, 2003 in a very small ceremony in their prayer room. We had planned on the courthouse, but they were booked up on our date. Enter our white knight in the guise of my mom's pastor, Julie, who helped us put together an amazing non-trinitarian ceremony that was as pagan as we were going to get in a Lutheran church.

7. How did the reception go? We had an open house, with a pig roast. It was very relaxed, people came and went, and we had a good time. No dancing.

8. How was the honeymoon? I'll let you know when I finally get one. We're hoping we'll be able to afford one for our 5th anniversary next year.

Stole this from Deb

Five Questions

2007-08-20T09:52:00.000-04:00

1. I need to know-I LOVE the name Freyja-why did you pick it?

Freyja's name was proposed by my husband - he's a Norse Trad pagan. Freyja is the Norse goddess of love, lust, and war (I found a t-shirt somewhere on the web recently that had a picture of Freyja with the slogan "Freyja - if you can't lay it, slay it"). We wanted a name that was strong, meaningful, and unusual, without being too weird - we both have healthy amounts of Germanic and Scandi heritage, so the family thought it was a great name, if slightly odd. Other names we tossed around for her were Maureen and Ysabel, but when I found my due date was going to be on a Friday, which is Freyja's/Frigga's day, I knew we'd found the right name. Looking back, I don't see how we could have named her anything else. Her middle name is Louise, which means "warrior".

2. If you could be doing anything, ANYTHING in the world, what would you do?

Anything? I could toe the party line and say I'd be doula-ing for a living, but that wouldn't be true. I love doula-ing, but I love acting more. I'd be on Broadway, doing plays and musicals. There's a whole list of roles I want to get through, Elphaba in "Wicked", Kate Monster in "Avenue Q", Carlotta in "Phantom of the Opera"...I could go on. I love to sing and most of the CDs in my car are musical soundtracks.

3. If your man sends you flowers, what ones must they be? Why?

My man never sends me flowers - I'm more likely to send HIM flowers. I love daisies and carnations. Either of those is a good bet. I like purple daisies the best, or big huge bright orange gerbera daisies. Roses are nice, but IMO die too quickly once cut. Daises and carns can last a month if you care for them properly.

4. What kind of an animal is Gonzo anyway?

Gosh, I don't know. I don't think he's an animal at all, but some kind of alien - didn't they confirm that with "Muppets in Space"? I'd say he's a cross between an anteater and a baby elephant.

5. Are you assertive and almost rude with mean/jerky people, or do you seethe quietly?

It depends on the situation. I don't like mean/jerky people. If it's family, I seethe and plot revenge (and usually get it). If it's at work, I try my best to be assertive and use big words the mean/jerky person will not understand. If it's some asshat in a store I'll never see again, I am assertive and probably very rude, but IMO they have it coming.

Interview rules:
1. Leave me a comment saying "Interview Me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with a post containing your the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Today's Quiz

2007-08-19T14:24:00.000-04:00

Stolen from Eden.

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

More Pirate Shenanigans

2007-08-13T13:11:00.000-04:00

In a Very Serious (meaning we had a ballpoint pen and were doodling on the back of the advertising place-mats) planning session at our favorite greasy spoon on Friday night (they aren't lying about the best coffee in the area - it's like crack, it's so good), I cracked a devious and masterful plot over my coke and cheese fries.

The only thing better than a pirate party is, of course, a pirate party where everyone has a pirate alias. We compiled three lists - titles, first names, and surnames - and everyone will have to assume a pirate alias and wear it around on a name-tag (sticky, of course).

I am still at a loss, however, as how to accomplish this. Shall I just provide the lists, and everyone chooses a name they like from each list, or do I make them draw and end up with what they get? My evil side likes the second option.

I already chose my name, of course. I'm in charge of this shindig, so I'm the Commodore. Commodore "Wily" Maureen Bellamy, to be exact. Now to convince Kerwin to buy me a hat. A big one. With a feather in it (I know that the highest rank is Fleet Admiral - but I think Commodore has more flair).

Something more

2007-08-12T09:43:00.000-04:00

This is my entry for August's Pulsate Olympics.

The first time I laid eyes on my husband after he packed up and left his family home like a thief in the night was on a hot summer afternoon. I had spent the morning baking blueberry muffins (the blueberries picked from the patch at my then-boss's house) to quell my nerves. We had met two months before in Chicago, on neutral ground - this would be our first meeting on my home turf, as it were. I paced between the kitchen and living room, looking out to the driveway at the slightest noise of cars going by. Finally, finally he pulled into the driveway and clambered out of the tiny car.

He had been driving for thirteen hours straight in a Chevy Metro. He was sweaty and tired, dressed in jean shorts and a tee shirt with a lizard on it, and he was the most beautiful and welcome sight I'd ever seen. I remember flinging open the door and wrapping myself around him before he could even say a word - claiming him, in my own way, as my own - this man who would leave his family and friends to travel across three states in hopes of building a relationship with me.

We had spent three years getting to know each other online and by letters and infrequent phone calls, first as friends. We had helped each other through breakups and betrayals with others. When I'd had my heart broken by a boy who I thought would be "the one", he had commented on his sincere regret that he was in a relationship at the time. A year later, that relationship was over and we were building a tentative courtship. Being courted online was a singular experience - it was easier for me, a shy bookworm, to express my feelings through the written word - and by the time he arrived on my doorstep we knew each other very well indeed.

"You're here, you're really here," I whispered as I wrapped my arms around him, wanting to commit him to memory. And he was. And he stayed.

We're celebrating our fourth anniversary this September. I won't say it's been all sweetness and light - but whenever I think of him standing there on the doorstep on that July afternoon, I remember what he gave up to come to me, I remember both of us shedding our vulnerability in hopes of finding something more.

Pirate Party!

2007-08-10T13:49:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm glad I didn't do these until today, as my cousin decided to schedule her daughter's party the same day.

Combined parties are out of the question. I had one in my youth and hated it. I think Freyja deserves undivided attention for her special day.

I ended up moving the party a week later - gives me more time to get ready, in any case.

Here's the invite - cute, no?

The Visit

2007-08-04T22:06:00.001-04:00

Freyja met her paternal grandparents for the first time yesterday. They live three states away.
It took her a bit to warm up, but it was a good visit all around.

The house was clean, but my mother in law still felt she needed to help in tidying Freyja's room. I know she meant well. Honestly, I really do. I still felt like a shit. I know I'm no domestic goddess, but I do the best I can.

They stayed with us last night, we had a nice breakfast of waffles and sausage, with "sparkly juice" and real organic maple syrup.

Freyja had a good time, and they loved her, so I suppose that's what really counts.

Stress

2007-08-03T13:15:00.000-04:00

Not only have I missed my appointments, we've had car issues, plumbing issues, our air conditioner is starting to crap out, I still don't have a new oven knob, and my inlaws are coming to stay this weekend. Add that to vitamin Z not really being useful for bipolar, and I am one tense, moody chick.

I wish I could get some xanax or something without looking like a drug seeker. *sigh*

Mah Outlook, it trix me...

2007-07-30T11:05:00.000-04:00

What is this nonsense? Two appointments I've been an hour late for in the past week and had to reschedule, and all because Microsuck's Outlook seems to be having a little hissy fit and not leaving my appointments where I schedule them!

Officially Crazy

2007-07-26T12:32:00.000-04:00

According to the test I took; and upon confirmation that yes, it was pretty damn accurate, I now have two new diagnoses.

Axis I: Bipolar Disorder
Axis II: Avoidant Personality Disorder

Neither are really any surprise. The Bipolar, my therapist said, is "mild" but "not mild enough" to be cyclothymia.

I'm trying to cope. It's nice to know that I don't have to feel the way I've felt all my life, that there is something at least a little wrong, and with medication and therapy I have a good chance of fixing it. It also explains a lot about how I feel day-to-day.

On the other hand, I am now officially crazy. I have an appointment with my primary care doc to go over mood stabilizing medication options.

This is hard. I've spent the last ten or twelve years pretending there's absolutely nothing wrong with me. Now I have to learn to cope (better than I have been), but I'd rather just crawl into a hole and shut the world out for a while. This, unfortunately, is not possible.

I don't want to be a grown-up today.

My True Nature, Let Me Show it to You.

2007-07-25T12:00:00.000-04:00

From Eden via OK CUPID. Really, is anyone all that surprised? Now, does anybody knit or crochet? I need me a scarf. A wool or cotton one, not that nasty acrylic stuff. I'll pay!

Your Score: SLYTHERIN!

You scored 80% Slytherin, 12% Ravenclaw, 20% Gryffindor, and 20% Hufflepuff!

Or perhaps in Slytherin

You'll make your real friends,

These cunning folk use any means

To achieve their ends.

Slytherins are known for their ambition, guile, and Machiavellian sensibilities.

Link: The Sorting Hat Test written by leeannslytherin on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Potter Puppet Pals

2007-07-20T14:26:00.000-04:00

For some reason, Freyja is now obsessed with all things Harry Potter. Of course, she doesn't quite "get" the movies yet but loves watching them and will happily sit through 8-10 pages of "Sorcerer's Stone" at a time. She thinks the Dursleys are funny. She loves the Hungarian Horntail. And like her mother before her, she's inexplicably drawn to Professor Snape.

I have a feeling that for my sweet almost three year old, that stems from the Potter Puppet Pals.

Note to Self

2007-07-16T11:09:00.000-04:00

Must stop reading angsty, lusty Draco/Hermione and Severus/Hermione Harry Potter fanfic.

Even if it is (reasonably) well written.

Even if that pairing has the whole hatred/lust thing going for it.

It's naughty. Shame on me.

*giggle*